Friday 40 for 40s - #17: real life

Items #4 and #34 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Vacations are not real life.  You always have to come back to reality
and
Once you live anywhere for an extended period of time, it becomes normal and ceases to be exotic

I love a great vacation.  The best ones for me generally involve a beach or going somewhere iconic.  To my recollection, all the vacations we've taken have been amazing, and part of that is related to my attempts to make sure they are well planned out.  I always want to know that it's going to be a great place, great vibe, know where we're going and particularly if we're going somewhere with lots of amazing sights (New York, Chicago, etc), I want to make sure we get to the key places we want to see.

I know how important vacations are to my overall wellbeing, so I want to make the most of them, every time.  The challenge can be that in creating such a great experience and having such an amazing time, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking "why can't life be like this all the time?"

I have come to recognize and accept that vacations are not real life - in fact, if what I did on vacations were what real life was like all the time, then I'd stop appreciating them so much.  Instead, I've learned to appreciate vacations for what they are - a time of relaxing, doing things we love as a family, creating memories - and then taking the principles from those times (healthy rest, creating memories, having fun together) and infusing those into the flow of every day life.

While it's a lot harder to create those moments week by week, I recognize that there's always another vacation around the corner, so I don't need to put too much pressure on myself to try and emulate them in my every day life.

Along similar lines, I've realized I can be guilty of thinking "life would be better if we lived here" - especially when we've done trips to places like New York or stayed at a great beach house.  Moving to Toronto was an eye-opening experience with that mindset, though - we realized fairly quickly that once you live somewhere for a time, it ceases to become exotic and just becomes "home".  Real life.  That's not a bad thing at all, but it is another reminder to embrace where we are and recognize that if we were somewhere else, real life would follow us there, too, so how do we make the most of where we are, rather than wishing for something else.

Friday 40 for 40s - #16: TMI

Item #26 that I'm learning I can't change is:

There will always be more books to read, movies to watch, sports to watch, TV shows to discover and music to listen to than I will have time for

I love all of those things - reading a great book, being moved by a powerful movie, watching the Patriots, Raptors or Blue Jays play, enjoying a great TV drama, listening to incredible music.

With all of the options available to us now though, especially with streaming services like Netflix, I am learning to accept that I'm never going to watch, read or listen to it all.  My Netflix list is ridiculous - it has over 100 titles in it!  I'm never going to make the time to watch all those movies and certainly never be able to watch entire series of shows that I've never seen.

What's fascinating to me is that even though I know that's true, when I look at Netflix, generally the first thing I do is look at the New Arrivals - what else has been added to Netflix that I can watch?!  My list is already too long, but I keep searching for something even better - even though I can't remember half of what is in my list.

Even more scary (and embarrassing) is the recognition that there is a level of stress caused by all this - as someone who is a high achiever and likes checking things off a list, having a list that is never going to be complete can actually breed anxiety.  I know there's something unresolved, something I haven't finished, so it can cause me to feel like I have to make it a priority.

I have the same feeling in October each year - when baseball playoffs have begun, the NFL is kicking into full gear and the NBA starts up... there's so much to watch (and we don't even have cable!)  Trying to keep up with all those scores (and know enough of what's happening with the Leafs to participate in those important conversations...) can again be a source of stress.

Instead, I know I need to just accept that I will never be able to be on top of things - and that's ok.  I can enjoy the things I get to do, when I get to do them, rather than feeling like it's another "must do" that defeats the whole purpose of watching, reading or listening to it in the first place.

Friday 40 for 40s - #15: you can't change the past

Items #1 and #20 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Anything about my past
and
Any mistakes I've made - but I can learn from them

40 years worth of life includes a lot of actions, choices, decisions and opportunities that were taken and missed.  Obviously not all of those actions, choices, decisions or opportunities were the wisest or the ones that I would choose if I had my time over again and I've definitely made lots and lots of mistakes.  It's so easy to allow this to turn into regret - "I wish I had..." or "I wish I hadn't".

However, I've realized that there is no benefit in having these regrets, because I can't change any of it.  Can I learn from it and allow it to make me make wiser, more informed decisions?  Absolutely - if I choose to take the time to reflect back and glean what I can from those situations.  But regret?  It causes nothing but guilt, sadness, frustration, shame.

Taking the sting of regret out of the past also gives me more freedom in the present and future to make healthy decisions.  I don't need to be paralyzed with anxiety about what will happen if I make a wrong choice... fearful of the regrets that will kick in if I choose wrong.  Instead, I can make decisions based on the information in front of me (again, assuming that I take the time to reflect) and step with confidence into whatever the present and future holds.

40 for 40s #14: no guarantees

Item #32 that I'm learning I can't change is:

I cannot guarantee the result of any sporting event I think about attending

Sunday night is Superbowl XLIX when the Seattle Seahawks will try to win back to back titles against the New England Patriots, who will play in their 6th Superbowl of the Belichick/Brady era.  As a Patriots fan who started following them in the early 00s when they won 3 in 4 years, I'm fairly nervous.  I have vivid memories of the Pats losing the Superbowl in 2012 and 2008 and I'm not sure if I can handle watching them lose another.  Sadly, this Superbowl has been tainted by #deflategate (if you don't know what that means, you haven't missed much) but I choose not to comment on those allegations here other than to say... really?

Instead, the purpose of this post is to focus on the fickle unpredictability of sporting events.  I first learned this lesson on October 19, 1996.  I will admit I had to do some searching to find the date... but I clearly remember the circumstances.  I was a huge Adelaide 36ers fan (Adelaide's team in the Australian National Basketball League), having held season tickets for a couple of years.  They made the playoffs and in the 2nd round, I was there to witness them lose a heartbreaker at home in game 1 to the South East Melbourne Magic.

One of my friends made the crazy suggestion that we drive to Melbourne (a 9.5 hour drive) for game 2 a few days later and we decided to go for it.  We left super early (4 am or so) and arrived in Melbourne mid afternoon.  After a pleasant afternoon on the banks of the Yarra River, we went in with high expectations about our heroes defeating the evil villains in black...

The result?  The 6ers were pounded, losing by 31 points and were out of the playoffs (it was a best of 3 series).  We were so depressed, we walked out of the arena at the end of the game, got back in the car and drove straight home.  It was just over 24 hours from when we left Adelaide to when we arrived back.  Some road trip.

In the aftermath of our failed quest, it hit me... there was never any guarantee that the 6ers would win and that this was a universal truth in the sporting world.

Many, many years later and after a number of experiences of celebrating victory (Adelaide Crows back to back AFL titles in 97 and 98, 36ers championships in 98 and 99, Chicago Bulls victories in 96, 97, 98 (97-99 really were great years!)) and many more losses (too many to even bother naming), I'm even more aware than ever that there is no point in me choosing to attend a sporting event or even watch one with an expectation of guaranteed victory.

This most important part of this lesson is that it gives me perspective about the choice to spend significant amounts of money attending sporting events.  As someone who is often acutely aware of history in the making, there's a part of me that would love to be present to soak up those moments.  I would love to have been there to see the Jays win their World Series; to have seen Jordan hit the game winner in Game 6 of the 98 finals; even to have seen Jeter in his final game at Yankee Stadium.  Yet those moments are rare and given that there are no guarantees, it is questionable whether it's a great use of money to hope something amazing will happen - especially for big ticket items.

Instead, I'd rather focus on what I know is guaranteed wins - investing in relationships, spending time with people (yes, sometimes at sporting events), putting our money into things that will have a long-lasting (and definite) impact.

On Sunday night, I'll be watching the game at home, hoping against hope that the Pats can get over the line.  While I'd love to be there if they do, I couldn't cope with net result of spending the money on airfares, hotel, tickets and food if they don't.  Some may call that pessimism.  Some would say "even if they do win, it's still a waste of money!"  I call it another 40 for 40 lesson.

Go Pats!!

Friday 40 for 40s - #13: travel

Item #14 that I'm learning I can't change is:

There are more places in the world that I’d like to see than I will have resources and/or time to visit

My first international trip happened in 2006 when I travelled to the US.  It was an incredibly significant moment for me - I was on my own and there was something about being able to go on a significant journey, making my way through multiple airports, customs, immigration and to experience a different culture that really awakened something in me.

Until that point I didn't have much of a desire to travel much - it was a nice idea, but it wasn't high on my priority list.  I'm not even sure what it was that changed, but there's no question that once I returned from that first trip, the idea of seeing other cities became something of a passion piece.

I'm very grateful that since then I've been able to travel to London and Bulawayo (Zimbabwe), as well as multiple trips to Chicago, New York and Los Angeles and to see Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, Boston and Washington DC.  I know many of our Canadian friends would also love to see many of the places we saw when we lived in Australia, too - Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Cairns, Perth... and of course Adelaide!

What I've discovered in my travels is that there really isn't an end point - I'd love to see the East coast of Canada, would love to visit Europe (especially Italy, France and Spain) and there are few people who wouldn't be happy to spend some time on a beach in the Caribbean (especially at this time of year!!)  I know there's little to no chance that we'll have the financial resources to be able to visit all those places, nor the many others that would be amazing to see but don't make the top priority list.  In the end, the more places that we visit, the more places we'd like to visit, let alone going back to spend more time at the places we enjoyed most.

While I'm sure that we'll continue to make it a priority to do some travel, my sense is that in the years to come, I'll let go of the desire to see everything and instead be more intentional about investing our time and resources in decisions that will have a greater impact that just good memories.

Friday 40 for 40s - #12: exercise

Items #12 and 36 that I'm learning I can't change are:

Exercise will never be something I jump out of bed wanting to do

but

I am significantly sharper and more motivated when I work out at least 3 times per week

Sport and exercise have always been a big part of my life.  At different times in my life, I've been heavily involved in basketball and tennis and I had a gym membership for many years.  In 2013 my gym shut down and I decided to buy some equipment for a home gym with the money I would have spent on a membership that year.

My biggest issue with regular exercise, especially since I stopped playing basketball regularly, has been that I'm not a morning person (at all...) and I've secretly hoped that as I got older I'd magically feel more motivated to get up and exercise.  As I passed 40, I realized that's probably not going to change at any point going forward and it's something that I simply need to make a priority or it won't happen.

Having equipment downstairs in our basement meant that over the last couple of years I was able to get into a fairly decent routine of exercising 3 times each week - it's amazing how much easier it is to get up and exercise in the winter knowing that I didn't have to scrape the ice or snow off the car, put on a coat, trackpants, gloves, etc, etc just to get to the gym.

Getting into that routine has made me aware how much sharper and clearer I am when I make it a priority.  I can now tell when I've skipped a few days in a row - initially I can't work out why I'm not as productive or effective, but then I think about when I worked out last and it all makes sense.  One workout and boom... back to being focused again.

The change that has been the most helpful for me has been to look at my schedule at the start of each week on a Sunday night or Monday morning and decide, on the basis of when I have early starts or late nights, when I'm most likely to be able to get up an extra 45-60 mins earlier to be able to workout.  It's made a huge difference and has also meant that I've been able to often find "bonus" days to squeeze in an extra one.

While I wish that I had the ability to flick a switch and suddenly become a morning person, I'm grateful that I've been able to navigate through what works best so that I can make exercise a priority, knowing how much of a difference it makes - in the present and for the future.

Friday 40 for 40s - #11: leveraging natural talent

Item #2 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Natural talent will not take me any further than it has – only hard work and discipline will take me beyond the level I am today

I've always been someone who has had a moderate level of natural ability in a number of areas - I can play a couple of musical instruments, have a reasonable level of sporting ability (I can generally hit, throw and catch most balls) and have a decent ability to think linearly and strategically.

As I turned the page into my 40th year, I've realized that most of those natural talents are probably going to decline in the years to come.  That's not supposed to sound defeatist, I simply know that my physical and mental capacities will never be as sharp as they were when I was in my 20s or 30s.  Rather than feel bad about that, I recognize it means that I need to be more disciplined and diligent at working on the areas that I want to either keep or develop further.

Looking back, I can see that in my teens and 20s, I was convinced that if I could just tap more into my natural talents, I'd magically improve.  I quickly began to realize that I would never have the musical ability of a Matthew Bellamy or Daniel Johns, the sporting ability of a Michael Jordan or LeBron James or the leadership capacity of a Warren Buffet or Andy Stanley.  However, as I've matured and learned more about those people and many others, I've discovered that even with the natural ability they had, each of them maximized what they had been given through sacrifice, hard work and discipline and that whatever ability I had or will ever have, I need to make the same choices.

One of my biggest hopes for this next decade is to focus more and more on the opportunities that God puts in front of me while also zooming in on the areas where I have above average natural gifting, learning, reading and training about what it means to leverage those strengths to be as effective as I can be.

Friday 40 for 40s - #10: Memories

Item #15 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Most memories only stay strong if they are accessed and reminisced regularly

As we turned the page from 2014 to 2015 I spent some time sorting our photos for 2014, including making a folder of the best of 2014.  I've realized that if I don't do this each year, we simply have too many photos to easily look through (the curse of digital photography...), but having a smaller sample of these photos allows us to easily flick back through the year and remember all that happened.  At some point I'm hoping to take these photos and make a movie with some of our favourite songs from last year to make it even easier (and more enjoyable) to look back on.

One important reason why I've made this a priority is because I'm convinced that a lot of what we do and don't remember (especially from our childhood and adolescence) is tied to how frequently we access memories around those times.  For our kids, they have clear memories of a few trips that we've taken because we made photo books of those trips and try to pull them out on a regular basis.  Seeing the places we went to and key moments we had help the memories to stay fresh in their minds.

I've become more and more aware of the importance of journalling for the same reason.  Journalling is an important spiritual discipline for me because I find it helpful to be able to get out on paper how I'm feeling, what I've been processing and what's on my mind as I head into each day.  However, last year on one of my personal retreats, I took my journals with me and re-read them and was grateful to be able to reflect on and be transported back to specific moments and to realize areas where I'd grown, where I'd changed and also where I'd still not taken the opportunity to move on in certain areas.

As someone who is wired to look forward and to focus on what needs to be "fixed", I know how important it is to be able to look back and remember, to be reminded about the good things that have happened (not just the mistakes or missed opportunities), to practice gratitude for all the everyday moments and significant events and to be able to see where things have changed and moved.

Looking forward to seeing how it all unfolds in 2015!

Friday 40 for 40s - #9: 20 seconds of courage

Item #19 that I'm learning I can't change is:

 20 seconds of courage is all it takes to overcome most obstacles

This learning was blatantly lifted from the movie We Bought A Zoo, a movie which was significantly more powerful than I had expected.  The main character in the movie (played by Matt Damon) drops the line "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it" and it is a mentality I have found incredibly useful.

I have lost count of the number of times that I have used this as a starting point over the past couple of years - less to achieve something great or profound and more to tackle things that I don't want to do.  It is surprising how many things I shy away from, how many hard conversations I don't have, how many things don't get completed, all because it's so hard to get started.  It's been incredibly useful to simply say "20 seconds..." and suddenly I'm on the way to getting something done.  It hasn't just helped me with big or significant things either - it has helped me to get annoying little tasks done, too (even getting out of bed in the morning!)

I will be upfront and say that in many ways my life is ridiculously easy and I have been very fortunate and privileged to have not had any serious major obstacles to overcome, for which I am very grateful.  I am therefore more than happy to be challenged and corrected about whether this mentality is useful if there is something really significant going on.  If it's too naive or simplistic for that, it was never my intention to belittle the struggles that I know many people have.

Having said that, I do believe that embracing the idea of "I'll just give this 20 seconds of courage" is going to be of some use in almost every situation - even if it's just to make a hard choice to start another day, to take on another round of treatment, to enter another counselling session or to persevere for a little bit longer.

For me, I want to keep putting it into practice because by this point in my life, I doubt I'm every just going to have the willpower or motivation to simply get some of these things done.  I know how important they are though, so I'll keep taking them on 20 seconds at a time.

Friday 40 for 40s - #8: Technology

Item #30 that I'm learning is:

The moment I purchase new technology, it’s already been superseded

It was interesting to watch the reaction to Apple's big media event yesterday.  Much of what I've read has had a sort of "meh" tone to it - some interesting upgrades, but nothing spectacular - especially when they tagged the event is "It's been way too long".  The implication was that something significant (Apple TV...?) was going to be introduced, but instead it really didn't seem like there was a lot of new innovation.

What I've found really fascinating is that lots of people have since asked "Why would I need to upgrade my iPad?" (the main focus of the event).  Normally with Apple products, even if people don't need to upgrade, you really want to (see iPhone, 6 as the most recent example).  The general consensus is that the existing products already do everything most people need them to, so why would they spend the money to upgrade?

At different times in my life, I've been drawn to the excitement of the latest and greatest, but I have a clear recollection of the time I first realized that the company whose product I was purchasing (a computer) was already probably at least 2 or 3 models ahead in development.  Sure enough, within 6 months my new purchase was at least superseded, if not obsolete.

I have since tried to be wiser about making decisions about purchasing new technology, asking the question "will this new purchase really give me the ability to do something significantly different to what I already have?"  A very current example is that we purchased a new laptop for home use when we first moved to Canada 5 years ago and there's a huge temptation to upgrade - partly because it can be pretty slow, partly because it's pretty heavy, partly because after 5 years, the trackpad and buttons are starting to show some wear and tear.  However, as Ali and I have discussed the idea of upgrading, the major question has been... do we really need to?  (Decision is still pending, by the way!)

I'm also more and more conscious (as I've written about previously and will be writing about again) that newer technology can be extremely detrimental to the priorities I want to set in my life.  Having something that makes it easier for me to access email/social media/the internet/apps mostly works against the disciplines I'm trying to work on.  I have to say that I'm not really at all convinced that I'm interested in having a watch that tells me when I've got a new email/message/notification - I find it hard enough to switch off as it is!

In the end, maybe this is all just part of turning 40 - I'm becoming one of those crotchety old men who says (insert old man voice here) "I don't know what you see in this new fangled technology.  When I was a boy..."  Either way, as technology accelerates at a faster and faster rate, I'm sure taking a step back before making purchases is going to become increasingly important.