Friday 40 for 40s - #17: real life

Items #4 and #34 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Vacations are not real life.  You always have to come back to reality
and
Once you live anywhere for an extended period of time, it becomes normal and ceases to be exotic

I love a great vacation.  The best ones for me generally involve a beach or going somewhere iconic.  To my recollection, all the vacations we've taken have been amazing, and part of that is related to my attempts to make sure they are well planned out.  I always want to know that it's going to be a great place, great vibe, know where we're going and particularly if we're going somewhere with lots of amazing sights (New York, Chicago, etc), I want to make sure we get to the key places we want to see.

I know how important vacations are to my overall wellbeing, so I want to make the most of them, every time.  The challenge can be that in creating such a great experience and having such an amazing time, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking "why can't life be like this all the time?"

I have come to recognize and accept that vacations are not real life - in fact, if what I did on vacations were what real life was like all the time, then I'd stop appreciating them so much.  Instead, I've learned to appreciate vacations for what they are - a time of relaxing, doing things we love as a family, creating memories - and then taking the principles from those times (healthy rest, creating memories, having fun together) and infusing those into the flow of every day life.

While it's a lot harder to create those moments week by week, I recognize that there's always another vacation around the corner, so I don't need to put too much pressure on myself to try and emulate them in my every day life.

Along similar lines, I've realized I can be guilty of thinking "life would be better if we lived here" - especially when we've done trips to places like New York or stayed at a great beach house.  Moving to Toronto was an eye-opening experience with that mindset, though - we realized fairly quickly that once you live somewhere for a time, it ceases to become exotic and just becomes "home".  Real life.  That's not a bad thing at all, but it is another reminder to embrace where we are and recognize that if we were somewhere else, real life would follow us there, too, so how do we make the most of where we are, rather than wishing for something else.

Friday 40 for 40s - #16: TMI

Item #26 that I'm learning I can't change is:

There will always be more books to read, movies to watch, sports to watch, TV shows to discover and music to listen to than I will have time for

I love all of those things - reading a great book, being moved by a powerful movie, watching the Patriots, Raptors or Blue Jays play, enjoying a great TV drama, listening to incredible music.

With all of the options available to us now though, especially with streaming services like Netflix, I am learning to accept that I'm never going to watch, read or listen to it all.  My Netflix list is ridiculous - it has over 100 titles in it!  I'm never going to make the time to watch all those movies and certainly never be able to watch entire series of shows that I've never seen.

What's fascinating to me is that even though I know that's true, when I look at Netflix, generally the first thing I do is look at the New Arrivals - what else has been added to Netflix that I can watch?!  My list is already too long, but I keep searching for something even better - even though I can't remember half of what is in my list.

Even more scary (and embarrassing) is the recognition that there is a level of stress caused by all this - as someone who is a high achiever and likes checking things off a list, having a list that is never going to be complete can actually breed anxiety.  I know there's something unresolved, something I haven't finished, so it can cause me to feel like I have to make it a priority.

I have the same feeling in October each year - when baseball playoffs have begun, the NFL is kicking into full gear and the NBA starts up... there's so much to watch (and we don't even have cable!)  Trying to keep up with all those scores (and know enough of what's happening with the Leafs to participate in those important conversations...) can again be a source of stress.

Instead, I know I need to just accept that I will never be able to be on top of things - and that's ok.  I can enjoy the things I get to do, when I get to do them, rather than feeling like it's another "must do" that defeats the whole purpose of watching, reading or listening to it in the first place.

Friday 40 for 40s - #15: you can't change the past

Items #1 and #20 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Anything about my past
and
Any mistakes I've made - but I can learn from them

40 years worth of life includes a lot of actions, choices, decisions and opportunities that were taken and missed.  Obviously not all of those actions, choices, decisions or opportunities were the wisest or the ones that I would choose if I had my time over again and I've definitely made lots and lots of mistakes.  It's so easy to allow this to turn into regret - "I wish I had..." or "I wish I hadn't".

However, I've realized that there is no benefit in having these regrets, because I can't change any of it.  Can I learn from it and allow it to make me make wiser, more informed decisions?  Absolutely - if I choose to take the time to reflect back and glean what I can from those situations.  But regret?  It causes nothing but guilt, sadness, frustration, shame.

Taking the sting of regret out of the past also gives me more freedom in the present and future to make healthy decisions.  I don't need to be paralyzed with anxiety about what will happen if I make a wrong choice... fearful of the regrets that will kick in if I choose wrong.  Instead, I can make decisions based on the information in front of me (again, assuming that I take the time to reflect) and step with confidence into whatever the present and future holds.

40 for 40s #14: no guarantees

Item #32 that I'm learning I can't change is:

I cannot guarantee the result of any sporting event I think about attending

Sunday night is Superbowl XLIX when the Seattle Seahawks will try to win back to back titles against the New England Patriots, who will play in their 6th Superbowl of the Belichick/Brady era.  As a Patriots fan who started following them in the early 00s when they won 3 in 4 years, I'm fairly nervous.  I have vivid memories of the Pats losing the Superbowl in 2012 and 2008 and I'm not sure if I can handle watching them lose another.  Sadly, this Superbowl has been tainted by #deflategate (if you don't know what that means, you haven't missed much) but I choose not to comment on those allegations here other than to say... really?

Instead, the purpose of this post is to focus on the fickle unpredictability of sporting events.  I first learned this lesson on October 19, 1996.  I will admit I had to do some searching to find the date... but I clearly remember the circumstances.  I was a huge Adelaide 36ers fan (Adelaide's team in the Australian National Basketball League), having held season tickets for a couple of years.  They made the playoffs and in the 2nd round, I was there to witness them lose a heartbreaker at home in game 1 to the South East Melbourne Magic.

One of my friends made the crazy suggestion that we drive to Melbourne (a 9.5 hour drive) for game 2 a few days later and we decided to go for it.  We left super early (4 am or so) and arrived in Melbourne mid afternoon.  After a pleasant afternoon on the banks of the Yarra River, we went in with high expectations about our heroes defeating the evil villains in black...

The result?  The 6ers were pounded, losing by 31 points and were out of the playoffs (it was a best of 3 series).  We were so depressed, we walked out of the arena at the end of the game, got back in the car and drove straight home.  It was just over 24 hours from when we left Adelaide to when we arrived back.  Some road trip.

In the aftermath of our failed quest, it hit me... there was never any guarantee that the 6ers would win and that this was a universal truth in the sporting world.

Many, many years later and after a number of experiences of celebrating victory (Adelaide Crows back to back AFL titles in 97 and 98, 36ers championships in 98 and 99, Chicago Bulls victories in 96, 97, 98 (97-99 really were great years!)) and many more losses (too many to even bother naming), I'm even more aware than ever that there is no point in me choosing to attend a sporting event or even watch one with an expectation of guaranteed victory.

This most important part of this lesson is that it gives me perspective about the choice to spend significant amounts of money attending sporting events.  As someone who is often acutely aware of history in the making, there's a part of me that would love to be present to soak up those moments.  I would love to have been there to see the Jays win their World Series; to have seen Jordan hit the game winner in Game 6 of the 98 finals; even to have seen Jeter in his final game at Yankee Stadium.  Yet those moments are rare and given that there are no guarantees, it is questionable whether it's a great use of money to hope something amazing will happen - especially for big ticket items.

Instead, I'd rather focus on what I know is guaranteed wins - investing in relationships, spending time with people (yes, sometimes at sporting events), putting our money into things that will have a long-lasting (and definite) impact.

On Sunday night, I'll be watching the game at home, hoping against hope that the Pats can get over the line.  While I'd love to be there if they do, I couldn't cope with net result of spending the money on airfares, hotel, tickets and food if they don't.  Some may call that pessimism.  Some would say "even if they do win, it's still a waste of money!"  I call it another 40 for 40 lesson.

Go Pats!!

Friday 40 for 40s - #13: travel

Item #14 that I'm learning I can't change is:

There are more places in the world that I’d like to see than I will have resources and/or time to visit

My first international trip happened in 2006 when I travelled to the US.  It was an incredibly significant moment for me - I was on my own and there was something about being able to go on a significant journey, making my way through multiple airports, customs, immigration and to experience a different culture that really awakened something in me.

Until that point I didn't have much of a desire to travel much - it was a nice idea, but it wasn't high on my priority list.  I'm not even sure what it was that changed, but there's no question that once I returned from that first trip, the idea of seeing other cities became something of a passion piece.

I'm very grateful that since then I've been able to travel to London and Bulawayo (Zimbabwe), as well as multiple trips to Chicago, New York and Los Angeles and to see Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, Boston and Washington DC.  I know many of our Canadian friends would also love to see many of the places we saw when we lived in Australia, too - Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Cairns, Perth... and of course Adelaide!

What I've discovered in my travels is that there really isn't an end point - I'd love to see the East coast of Canada, would love to visit Europe (especially Italy, France and Spain) and there are few people who wouldn't be happy to spend some time on a beach in the Caribbean (especially at this time of year!!)  I know there's little to no chance that we'll have the financial resources to be able to visit all those places, nor the many others that would be amazing to see but don't make the top priority list.  In the end, the more places that we visit, the more places we'd like to visit, let alone going back to spend more time at the places we enjoyed most.

While I'm sure that we'll continue to make it a priority to do some travel, my sense is that in the years to come, I'll let go of the desire to see everything and instead be more intentional about investing our time and resources in decisions that will have a greater impact that just good memories.

Friday 40 for 40s - #12: exercise

Items #12 and 36 that I'm learning I can't change are:

Exercise will never be something I jump out of bed wanting to do

but

I am significantly sharper and more motivated when I work out at least 3 times per week

Sport and exercise have always been a big part of my life.  At different times in my life, I've been heavily involved in basketball and tennis and I had a gym membership for many years.  In 2013 my gym shut down and I decided to buy some equipment for a home gym with the money I would have spent on a membership that year.

My biggest issue with regular exercise, especially since I stopped playing basketball regularly, has been that I'm not a morning person (at all...) and I've secretly hoped that as I got older I'd magically feel more motivated to get up and exercise.  As I passed 40, I realized that's probably not going to change at any point going forward and it's something that I simply need to make a priority or it won't happen.

Having equipment downstairs in our basement meant that over the last couple of years I was able to get into a fairly decent routine of exercising 3 times each week - it's amazing how much easier it is to get up and exercise in the winter knowing that I didn't have to scrape the ice or snow off the car, put on a coat, trackpants, gloves, etc, etc just to get to the gym.

Getting into that routine has made me aware how much sharper and clearer I am when I make it a priority.  I can now tell when I've skipped a few days in a row - initially I can't work out why I'm not as productive or effective, but then I think about when I worked out last and it all makes sense.  One workout and boom... back to being focused again.

The change that has been the most helpful for me has been to look at my schedule at the start of each week on a Sunday night or Monday morning and decide, on the basis of when I have early starts or late nights, when I'm most likely to be able to get up an extra 45-60 mins earlier to be able to workout.  It's made a huge difference and has also meant that I've been able to often find "bonus" days to squeeze in an extra one.

While I wish that I had the ability to flick a switch and suddenly become a morning person, I'm grateful that I've been able to navigate through what works best so that I can make exercise a priority, knowing how much of a difference it makes - in the present and for the future.

Friday 40 for 40s - #11: leveraging natural talent

Item #2 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Natural talent will not take me any further than it has – only hard work and discipline will take me beyond the level I am today

I've always been someone who has had a moderate level of natural ability in a number of areas - I can play a couple of musical instruments, have a reasonable level of sporting ability (I can generally hit, throw and catch most balls) and have a decent ability to think linearly and strategically.

As I turned the page into my 40th year, I've realized that most of those natural talents are probably going to decline in the years to come.  That's not supposed to sound defeatist, I simply know that my physical and mental capacities will never be as sharp as they were when I was in my 20s or 30s.  Rather than feel bad about that, I recognize it means that I need to be more disciplined and diligent at working on the areas that I want to either keep or develop further.

Looking back, I can see that in my teens and 20s, I was convinced that if I could just tap more into my natural talents, I'd magically improve.  I quickly began to realize that I would never have the musical ability of a Matthew Bellamy or Daniel Johns, the sporting ability of a Michael Jordan or LeBron James or the leadership capacity of a Warren Buffet or Andy Stanley.  However, as I've matured and learned more about those people and many others, I've discovered that even with the natural ability they had, each of them maximized what they had been given through sacrifice, hard work and discipline and that whatever ability I had or will ever have, I need to make the same choices.

One of my biggest hopes for this next decade is to focus more and more on the opportunities that God puts in front of me while also zooming in on the areas where I have above average natural gifting, learning, reading and training about what it means to leverage those strengths to be as effective as I can be.

Friday 40 for 40s - #10: Memories

Item #15 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Most memories only stay strong if they are accessed and reminisced regularly

As we turned the page from 2014 to 2015 I spent some time sorting our photos for 2014, including making a folder of the best of 2014.  I've realized that if I don't do this each year, we simply have too many photos to easily look through (the curse of digital photography...), but having a smaller sample of these photos allows us to easily flick back through the year and remember all that happened.  At some point I'm hoping to take these photos and make a movie with some of our favourite songs from last year to make it even easier (and more enjoyable) to look back on.

One important reason why I've made this a priority is because I'm convinced that a lot of what we do and don't remember (especially from our childhood and adolescence) is tied to how frequently we access memories around those times.  For our kids, they have clear memories of a few trips that we've taken because we made photo books of those trips and try to pull them out on a regular basis.  Seeing the places we went to and key moments we had help the memories to stay fresh in their minds.

I've become more and more aware of the importance of journalling for the same reason.  Journalling is an important spiritual discipline for me because I find it helpful to be able to get out on paper how I'm feeling, what I've been processing and what's on my mind as I head into each day.  However, last year on one of my personal retreats, I took my journals with me and re-read them and was grateful to be able to reflect on and be transported back to specific moments and to realize areas where I'd grown, where I'd changed and also where I'd still not taken the opportunity to move on in certain areas.

As someone who is wired to look forward and to focus on what needs to be "fixed", I know how important it is to be able to look back and remember, to be reminded about the good things that have happened (not just the mistakes or missed opportunities), to practice gratitude for all the everyday moments and significant events and to be able to see where things have changed and moved.

Looking forward to seeing how it all unfolds in 2015!

Friday 40 for 40s - #9: 20 seconds of courage

Item #19 that I'm learning I can't change is:

 20 seconds of courage is all it takes to overcome most obstacles

This learning was blatantly lifted from the movie We Bought A Zoo, a movie which was significantly more powerful than I had expected.  The main character in the movie (played by Matt Damon) drops the line "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it" and it is a mentality I have found incredibly useful.

I have lost count of the number of times that I have used this as a starting point over the past couple of years - less to achieve something great or profound and more to tackle things that I don't want to do.  It is surprising how many things I shy away from, how many hard conversations I don't have, how many things don't get completed, all because it's so hard to get started.  It's been incredibly useful to simply say "20 seconds..." and suddenly I'm on the way to getting something done.  It hasn't just helped me with big or significant things either - it has helped me to get annoying little tasks done, too (even getting out of bed in the morning!)

I will be upfront and say that in many ways my life is ridiculously easy and I have been very fortunate and privileged to have not had any serious major obstacles to overcome, for which I am very grateful.  I am therefore more than happy to be challenged and corrected about whether this mentality is useful if there is something really significant going on.  If it's too naive or simplistic for that, it was never my intention to belittle the struggles that I know many people have.

Having said that, I do believe that embracing the idea of "I'll just give this 20 seconds of courage" is going to be of some use in almost every situation - even if it's just to make a hard choice to start another day, to take on another round of treatment, to enter another counselling session or to persevere for a little bit longer.

For me, I want to keep putting it into practice because by this point in my life, I doubt I'm every just going to have the willpower or motivation to simply get some of these things done.  I know how important they are though, so I'll keep taking them on 20 seconds at a time.

Friday 40 for 40s - #8: Technology

Item #30 that I'm learning is:

The moment I purchase new technology, it’s already been superseded

It was interesting to watch the reaction to Apple's big media event yesterday.  Much of what I've read has had a sort of "meh" tone to it - some interesting upgrades, but nothing spectacular - especially when they tagged the event is "It's been way too long".  The implication was that something significant (Apple TV...?) was going to be introduced, but instead it really didn't seem like there was a lot of new innovation.

What I've found really fascinating is that lots of people have since asked "Why would I need to upgrade my iPad?" (the main focus of the event).  Normally with Apple products, even if people don't need to upgrade, you really want to (see iPhone, 6 as the most recent example).  The general consensus is that the existing products already do everything most people need them to, so why would they spend the money to upgrade?

At different times in my life, I've been drawn to the excitement of the latest and greatest, but I have a clear recollection of the time I first realized that the company whose product I was purchasing (a computer) was already probably at least 2 or 3 models ahead in development.  Sure enough, within 6 months my new purchase was at least superseded, if not obsolete.

I have since tried to be wiser about making decisions about purchasing new technology, asking the question "will this new purchase really give me the ability to do something significantly different to what I already have?"  A very current example is that we purchased a new laptop for home use when we first moved to Canada 5 years ago and there's a huge temptation to upgrade - partly because it can be pretty slow, partly because it's pretty heavy, partly because after 5 years, the trackpad and buttons are starting to show some wear and tear.  However, as Ali and I have discussed the idea of upgrading, the major question has been... do we really need to?  (Decision is still pending, by the way!)

I'm also more and more conscious (as I've written about previously and will be writing about again) that newer technology can be extremely detrimental to the priorities I want to set in my life.  Having something that makes it easier for me to access email/social media/the internet/apps mostly works against the disciplines I'm trying to work on.  I have to say that I'm not really at all convinced that I'm interested in having a watch that tells me when I've got a new email/message/notification - I find it hard enough to switch off as it is!

In the end, maybe this is all just part of turning 40 - I'm becoming one of those crotchety old men who says (insert old man voice here) "I don't know what you see in this new fangled technology.  When I was a boy..."  Either way, as technology accelerates at a faster and faster rate, I'm sure taking a step back before making purchases is going to become increasingly important.

Friday 40 for 40s - #7: Gratitude

Item #8 that I'm learning is:

Gratitude is the only cure for consumerism

(See here for the full list)

It seems appropriate heading into Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada to focus on gratitude... I know I have an incredible amount to be thankful for!  

That being said, I'm growing more and more convinced about the importance of gratitude during the rest of the year as well.  Taking time to pause and recognize that there is always something to be thankful for causes a major shift in perspective and attitude - it shifts the focus from what I don't have and what's not going well to understanding things are never as bad as they seem and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

In the midst of that, my 40 for 40 reflection was in reference to the draw of consumerism - something I'm sure I'm not even close to conscious of most of the time.  In our teaching at The Meeting House a few weeks ago, we talked about consumerism being the mindset of "give as little as you can to get as much as you can" and I think that's a great definition.  As someone who's always loved a bargain, that's totally true - I love to spend as little as possible to get something great.  I know that it goes beyond shopping though - it eats into my expectations of how much I have to do, how much I have to put in, even affecting my attitude in approaching community.  Whether it's not wanting to pay for TV (or pay as little as possible), how much work I have to do to maintain our house or whether I'm willing to put aside time to invest in relationships, all of it comes back to my consumerist default - put in as little as possible and hope for the greatest return.

What I realized when I put the list together is that the only thing that will help me overcome the double-punch of consumerism that is this mentality coupled with the desire to always want more is to focus on gratitude.  If I pause and recognize that I have so much to be thankful for, things change very quickly.  Whether it's acknowledging the little things (another day to live, a roof over my head, food to eat, clean water, a job, sunshine) or things that show how very privileged I am (a wonderful family, an amazing community, living in one of the best cities in the world, no fear of persecution, the ability to choose how I spend my time and money), taking a few minutes each day to allow that to sink in directly affects the rest of my mindset.  I realize how much I have and therefore I don't need anything else and realistically I hardly want anything else.  I realize how privileged I am and therefore am motivated to steward and invest that in the things I'm doing.  

Practicing gratitude helps me see the things that really matter and motivates me to not just give as little as I can to those areas, but to realign my time and resources so as much of it can be directed in those areas as possible.

Friday 40 for 40s - #6: money

Item #5 that I'm learning I can't change is:

I can’t get back $ that I’ve already spent

(see here for the full list)

One of the goals that I set as I turned 40 was to meet with our financial advisor to talk about the state of our finances, how we're doing with saving for retirement and what to do about life insurance.  I feel like we're in an ok place with these things, but I admit I have pretty limited knowledge, so an informed opinion was very welcome.

It was great to be able to look forward and do some planning, but I have to admit it's reminded me about some of the decisions that I made earlier on - especially in my 20s.  I have no idea why I bought so many cassingles (if you're under 30, I'm sure you have no idea what those are) and have a vivid memory of the one time I spent a hideous amount on some basketball shoes that never quite felt right.  If they'd been a pair of Jordans, I'm sure the regret would have been much lower...

I think back on some of those choices and would love to tell my 20-something self to put that money to better use - preferable somewhere that would have earned some interest and have me further ahead than where I am now.

However, as the purpose of the list states, I can't change those choices, but it is a huge motivator now to be more conscious of where I am spending money, recognizing that once it's spent, that's it and I can't get it back.  As I move forward, I want to make sure I'm continuing to use the money we've got in ways that are most effective and impacting for the short, medium and long term. 

Friday 40 for 40s - #5: The kids

Item #7 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Our kids will never be this age and stage again

(See here for the full list)

Josh and Rachel went back to school on Monday - Grade 6 and 4 this year...

As part of my reflections on turning 40, I wanted to think through what was most important about the next 10 years.  One of the most startling realizations was that 10 years from now, Josh will be 21 and Rachel will be 19.  Whoa.

That revelation was a huge motivator for me to make sure that I really made them a priority over the Summer.  I know that there are only a limited number of Summers left where we'll have their full attention and so I'm grateful that I made lots of good choices about giving them my full attention, creating memories and spending lots of time with them.

When we first had kids, we got the same advice from lots of parents - embrace every stage, because they grow up so quickly.  That advice was 100% correct and I know that looking back, there are already stages that I really miss or have almost completely lost memory of.  As I step into my 40s, my desire is to make sure we are embracing these next ages and stages (as much as I am terrified about having a sassy teenage daughter), recognizing that each stage will only happen once and then it's gone.

I have already learned that every stage has it's joys and challenges and one of my major goals is to not look back with regret about having missed the joys or the challenges, especially if I missed them because I was doing things that I realized later were not actually that important.

In the end, it's all part of the same theme I'm focusing on more and more... be present in the moment but make choices based on what's going to matter in the long-term.

Friday 40 for 40s - #4: so... much... information!!

Item #18 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Every day, there is more new information being added to the internet than I can possibly keep up with

(see here for the full list)

One of my StrengthsFinder strengths is "Learner", which means I am in my sweet spot when I'm accumulating new knowledge and putting it into practice.  I love to discover new things, learn more about what makes things work and grow in my understanding of how to make things better.  The challenge is that there is always so much to learn and I know that one of the things that affects my state of mind more than just about anything else is the frantic feeling of not staying up to date.

As I've noted previously and will no doubt reference again, so much of the feeling of busyness that we experience is linked to technology.  Sure, I have a lot to do in my work life and my to do list is often quite long (like right now!).  If I'm really honest though, the feeling of being behind and not on top of things is just as much related to having not read through my facebook feed, that I'm terrible at keeping up on Twitter, that I have well over 100 articles to read from email subscriptions, that I haven't read the updates on NBCs ProBasketball Talk app and that there are so many movies and series in my Netflix list that I could take a month off and still not get through them all.  And that's without even talking about blogs, podcasts, websites, ...

I want to get better at accepting that there is not going to be a day when I am fully caught up on all the information that is available to me.  It's simply not possible.

I also want to accept that if/when I try to focus on those things, it is inevitably at the expense of other things I could be doing - especially relational opportunities with family and friends, most of which would have a lot more positive long-term impact.

As I process that, my major takeaways are these:

1. Let go of the desperate need to keep up.  If I miss status updates on facebook, so be it.  If some important news breaks and I don't hear about it, I'm sure eventually someone will let me know.  And no, I haven't watched any episodes of Orange is the New Black, Breaking Bad or a bunch of other series on Netflix and I probably never will.  I'm no less significant or capable because of it.

2. Continue to focus on intentionality.  It's great to stay informed, but if that's at the expense of what's really important, it's actually a waste of time.

3. Get some better processes in place to be able to access information when I need to.  I know there are tools that help to sort Twitter feeds, that it's possible to hide people's feeds on facebook that I really don't have contact with any more and I love being able to listen to podcasts at double speed.  I just need to make sure I leverage those tools and others so that I can actually use technology for what it's supposed to be - a really helpful servant, rather than a crushing, impossible-to-please master.

Friday 40 for 40s - #3: The Weather

Item #9 that I'm learning to accept I can't change is:

The weather – it is what it is and complaining or begrudging it will not change it 

(See here for the full list)

We've lived in Canada for nearly 5 years now, after being born and raised in Australia.  One of the biggest changes moving here was to adjust to the weather (side note - I've often joked that Canada and Australia are basically the same... except for the accent and the weather.  Probably a post for another time).  It was amazing to arrive in the fall and see the colours of the leaves and crispness in the air, then transition into our first winter (snow!), experience our first spring as everything came alive, then understand why summer is such a big deal in the Northern Hemisphere.

This last winter was one of the worst ones in 20 years and I will admit that there were times when it got the best of me (I wasn't alone!)  This summer hasn't been great either - below seasonal and feeling more like fall at times.  Not exactly what a warm-blooded Aussie really needs!

We were told early on that the only way to really thrive throughout the winter was to embrace it rather than resent it and it's been absolutely true.  There have been (too) many times when I've spent so much time focusing on how the weather wasn't great that I've cocooned myself away and missed opportunities to get out and enjoy life - regardless of the weather.

While it's true that not focusing on the weather can be a challenge - especially because it seems to be the second topic of conversation after how busy we are - it mostly requires the same discipline of shutting off technology and being present that seem to make up most of the positive choices I want to make.  We have so much access to information on the weather now (24 hour weather channels, apps, websites...) that we can end up focusing more on what may or may not happen that we miss what's actually happening.  We can be so overwhelmed that it's going to be [pick the temperature/weather you don't like] for the next 5 days that we miss the sunny break, the cool breeze, the reality that it didn't rain constantly.

As I pass 40, I really want to get better at accepting the weather for what it is.  As I said in my original list, complaining or begrudging it hasn't changed the actual state of the weather so far in my experience and I doubt it's going to happen any time soon.  Sure, there are days when it'll be a downer that it's not perfect (whatever the definition of perfect weather is), but whatever it is can't be changed, so I might as well focus on the things that are really important and recognize how fortunate I am that most of the time, the weather doesn't stop life happening.  I know there are lots of people around the world for whom that's not a reality, which is yet another reason to be grateful.

Friday 40 for 40s - #2: 168 hours

Items #10 and #11 that I am learning to accept I can't change were: 

There are 168 hours each and every week – no-one else has any more (or less) time than I do.

I have full control over how I spend those 168 hours.

(See here for the full post).

It is remarkable to me that every person on earth has the same number of hours as I do.  All of us...  The people who've made the biggest difference in the world.  The people I respect the most.  The people who've impacted my life the greatest.  They have or had 168 hours each week.  And so do I.  

Think about that for a moment.  Ghandi: 168 hours.  Martin Luther King: 168 hours.  The people who've written books that have changed my thoughts: 168 hours.  People who've created amazing music: 168 hours.  My mentors: 168 hours.  

None of those people found the magical extra day that we'd all love to have, nor did they somehow manage to make time stand still or slow down.  They had the same time as you and I.  And yet they were able to create, impact, change.  With 168 hours.  

It is therefore not because I don't have enough time that I am not having the impact I'd like.  It's because of how I choose to use that time, hence the second item above.  It's all about what I choose to do with the 168 hours I've been given each week that makes all the difference.  

When I've shared this in different settings, I'll often break it down further to say that if we work a normal job (40 hours/week), sleep the amount that's currently recommended (8 hours/night), allow 30 minutes for each meal (probably overly generous) and 1 hour for personal items (looking after ourselves, grocery shopping, etc), that still leaves over 40 hours every week at our disposal and it's scary to realize most of us probably don't know where much of that time goes, nor have we made conscious choices about what we want to do with it.  

I continue to be challenged by the truth that I am able to choose how I spend my 168 hours.  I chose the career I have.  I accepted the job I'm in.  I choose when I sleep and wake.  I choose what to do with those other 40 hours.  I am constantly making choices... or at least I should be.  

As I move beyond 40, I'm excited about focusing more and more on how I use all of my time, to make the most of the hours that I'm given, to make my 168 hours count.

Friday 40 for 40s - #1: 40 things I can't change

This is the first of 40 posts that I'll be doing that come from my reflections on turning 40 (see this previous post for details).

One of the key things I wanted to do was to write down 40 things that I know I can't change but often forget I can't change.  My desire is to learn to accept these realities and learn from them - letting go of stressing about them, making changes to reflect them, changing priorities to recognize them.

Many of the other 40 for 40s will be expanded versions of these thoughts, but for now, here's the list... in no particular order.  Note that this is not meant to be an ultimate list, simply the list as it's come to mind.  I'm sure by the time I'm 50, there'll be a whole lot more I will have learned I can't change.

40 things I can’t change
1. Anything about my past – there is no point in having regrets
2. Natural talent will not take me any further than it has – only hard work and discipline will take me beyond the level I am today
3. I will never be younger than I am
4. Vacations are not real life – you always have to come to back to reality
5. I can’t get back $ that I’ve already spent
6. The grass is never greener on the other side
7. Our kids will never be this age and stage again
8. Gratitude is the only cure for consumerism
9. The weather – it is what it is and complaining or begrudging it will not change it
10. There are 168 hours each and every week – no-one else has any more (or less) time than I do
11. I have full control over how I spend those 168 hours
12. Exercise will never be something I jump out of bed wanting to do
13. God’s love for me, as shown in Jesus’ life, death and resurrection
14. There are more places in the world that I’d like to see than I will have resources and/or time to visit
15. Most memories only stay strong if they are accessed and reminisced regularly
16. If I don’t get something done, it’s because I made whatever else I did a higher priority
17. Integrity takes a long time to earn, but only seconds to lose
18. Every day, there is more new information being added to the internet than I can possibly keep up with
19. 20 seconds of courage is all it takes to overcome most obstacles
20. Any mistakes I’ve made – but I can learn from them
21. There will always be someone who is better at something than I am
22. I am not going to become a professional athlete
23. Being a great husband and father is as much about being fully present as it is about anything else
24. It is possible to find some good in every situation
25. I am not perfect and neither is anyone else I interact with
26. There will always be more books to read, movies to watch, sports to watch, TV shows to discover and music to listen to than I will have time for
27. I have been adopted into God’s family
28. Offering forgiveness is as important for me as it is for the other person
29. More money will not make me significantly happier
30. The moment I purchase new technology, it’s already been superceded
31. The time I go to bed has a direct correlation to how well I function the next day
32. I cannot guarantee the result of any sporting event I think about attending
33. I will never regret having spent more time with our kids, but I will regret having spent too much time doing anything else at the expense of spending time with them
34. Once you live anywhere for an extended period of time, it becomes normal and ceases to be exotic
35. Being a Pastor means accepting that there is never a moment when I can say “I have reached the finish line”
36. I am significantly sharper and more motivated when I work out at least 3 times per week
37. We live in an era of constant change
38. There is very rarely a “perfect” moment for anything
39. I will barely remember completing the level on any game I play 12 months from when it is completed
40. It’s better to focus on how much I don’t know, rather than how much I do

40 thoughts on turning 40

Today is my 40th birthday.

I said at the start of this year that I wasn’t scared about today coming – in fact, quite the opposite.  I’ve been looking forward to turning 40 because I know it’s a major milestone and I wanted to hit 40 being more focused and intentional and more fit than I’ve ever been before.  While I can't say with 100% certainty that it's true, I know I’m close – I’m more focused and intentional in lots of ways – I know more than ever what I want my life to be about and spend a good chunk of time focusing on that.  I also feel as fit or more than I ever have and my physical disciplines, especially working out in the mornings, are as good as they’ve ever been.  

I’ve used this marker as a time to do lots of reflection – What do I want my life to be about?  What do I want to do that I haven’t done before?  What are the things that bring me the most joy?  What are the things I focus on that I can’t actually change?  Where have I been impacted the most and by whom or what?

In the coming weeks and months, I'm going to share 40 of my reflections - a list of 40 things that I wanted to do as I turned 40 (thanks for the idea, Zulema!), 40 songs and books that have impacted me the most.  The majority of reflections will come from the list of 40 things I know I can't change and I'm looking forward to unpacking the implications of them.

My hope in sharing these thoughts is to gain greater clarity and insight into what I've been reflecting on, but also to inspire and challenge the people in my life who I know will read this.  I'm excited to share them with you and to start this new chapter in my life.  

Monday Musings - life in a day

Over the weekend, I watched "Life in a Day" - a movie where thousands of people captured life for them on July 24th, 2010 and uploaded their videos to YouTube where the director then cut and spliced the footage together into a 90 minute film that is pretty amazing (you can watch it on Netflix or here).

For me, there were two standout reflections - how much we miss each day and what it means to preserve our memories.

The detail on some of the videos that were uploaded is nothing short of stunning, capturing so clearly a moment, a thought, an emotion.  It is a beautiful thing for someone to be able to know the best way to compose a shot or even simply to have an awareness of what was happening around them so as to capture it adequately.  It was yet another reminder for me that I often walk around with my eyes pretty much closed - there's so much beauty, pain, joy, life and colour in each and every day and I miss a lot of it because I'm overly consumed with what I'm doing.  I love being woken up and challenged to see the world with fresh eyes - it is truly a glorious world we live in.

I was also challenged about how important it is to capture a moment in time for the future.  Our kids are 9 and 7 and I look at other kids in our community who are 2 and under and I know that Josh and Rachel were that age once, but in some ways it is hard to remember.  Part of me is jealous for the people who did capture a moment in time - especially with their kids - because that's something they'll always have to transport them back to those precious moments.

Since watching it, I have been tossing around the idea of what it would look like for us as a family to capture "Life in a Day" on a regular basis - maybe twice each year on the same date - and to have a record of what we were thinking, what was important to us, who we were spending time with, what we were afraid of, what our hopes and dreams were.  As well as the memories, I'm sure it would also give some pretty interesting perspectives on how at different times we under- or over-estimate the significance of what we're processing.  Good idea, we'll see if it happens...

How can I look at the world with a fresh set of eyes tomorrow?
What is happening in my life right now that is far more or less significant than I realize?
How am I capturing moments in time - both for preservation and for reflection and perspective?

Monday Musings - the cost of being present

I read this article during the week and was reminded again just how much technology has worked its way to subtly become a huge, invasive part our lives - it's almost embarrassing that we need to have an incentive to focus on being present with people...

The short version of the article is that a restaurant owner in LA is offering a 5% discount if customers will check their phones at the door.  The owner's rationale?

"It's about two people sitting together and just connecting, without the distraction of a phone, and we're trying to create an ambiance where you come in and really enjoy the experience and the food and the company"

Many people who know me well are aware that I'm a big advocate for this sort of thinking and I'm proud to say that our church did a series on this subject (Rage Against the Machine) back in June 2011.  There is so much research available that it's only a matter of time before we realize that so much of the reason we feel so "busy" and always switched on is directly related to these devices in our pockets (or even more accurately, on our tables...) that are causing psychological and physiological reactions for us.

I am trying to become more and more conscious to make sure that when I'm meeting up with someone or I'm in a group situation, I keep my phone in my pocket and out of sight, unless I need it for a specific purpose.  There's no question that when I can see it (even subconsciously), I am not 100% focused on the discussion going on and the people I'm with.  There are constant subtle messages telling me to check my email, look something up, think about other things.

I've also mentioned before that I'm also really disciplined about turning the email on my phone off on Thursday night and putting my phone on our hall table on my day off (Fridays), so that it's not anywhere near me, giving me those "look at me...!" feelings throughout the day.  I can't tell you how much difference it makes in my ability to relax and focus on the people I'm with.

As I read the article, I wondered about whether there are some creative ways for us to implement this kind of thinking in a church context.  Because our phones have become such multi-use tools, we have a lot of people that use them during the teaching in our Sunday services as their Bible or to access the teaching notes.  My original thought was to encourage a "check your phone at the door" policy in our home churches, but because people have taken notes during the service that will contribute to the conversations, that's not going to work.  Regardless, I think it's going to become more and more important for us to continue to explore the ways in which we are learning to be fully present when we're together in community - whether that's two people out for dinner or in a large group context.

Are there any times in the last week where I have been in the same space as someone else, but have not been fully present with them?
How often do I put my phone away so that it is truly out of sight and out of mind?
How can I encourage the people in my closest community to have a greater sense of being present with each other, particularly in terms of the distractions of technology?