Friday 40 for 40s - #6: money

Item #5 that I'm learning I can't change is:

I can’t get back $ that I’ve already spent

(see here for the full list)

One of the goals that I set as I turned 40 was to meet with our financial advisor to talk about the state of our finances, how we're doing with saving for retirement and what to do about life insurance.  I feel like we're in an ok place with these things, but I admit I have pretty limited knowledge, so an informed opinion was very welcome.

It was great to be able to look forward and do some planning, but I have to admit it's reminded me about some of the decisions that I made earlier on - especially in my 20s.  I have no idea why I bought so many cassingles (if you're under 30, I'm sure you have no idea what those are) and have a vivid memory of the one time I spent a hideous amount on some basketball shoes that never quite felt right.  If they'd been a pair of Jordans, I'm sure the regret would have been much lower...

I think back on some of those choices and would love to tell my 20-something self to put that money to better use - preferable somewhere that would have earned some interest and have me further ahead than where I am now.

However, as the purpose of the list states, I can't change those choices, but it is a huge motivator now to be more conscious of where I am spending money, recognizing that once it's spent, that's it and I can't get it back.  As I move forward, I want to make sure I'm continuing to use the money we've got in ways that are most effective and impacting for the short, medium and long term. 

Friday 40 for 40s - #5: The kids

Item #7 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Our kids will never be this age and stage again

(See here for the full list)

Josh and Rachel went back to school on Monday - Grade 6 and 4 this year...

As part of my reflections on turning 40, I wanted to think through what was most important about the next 10 years.  One of the most startling realizations was that 10 years from now, Josh will be 21 and Rachel will be 19.  Whoa.

That revelation was a huge motivator for me to make sure that I really made them a priority over the Summer.  I know that there are only a limited number of Summers left where we'll have their full attention and so I'm grateful that I made lots of good choices about giving them my full attention, creating memories and spending lots of time with them.

When we first had kids, we got the same advice from lots of parents - embrace every stage, because they grow up so quickly.  That advice was 100% correct and I know that looking back, there are already stages that I really miss or have almost completely lost memory of.  As I step into my 40s, my desire is to make sure we are embracing these next ages and stages (as much as I am terrified about having a sassy teenage daughter), recognizing that each stage will only happen once and then it's gone.

I have already learned that every stage has it's joys and challenges and one of my major goals is to not look back with regret about having missed the joys or the challenges, especially if I missed them because I was doing things that I realized later were not actually that important.

In the end, it's all part of the same theme I'm focusing on more and more... be present in the moment but make choices based on what's going to matter in the long-term.

Friday 40 for 40s - #4: so... much... information!!

Item #18 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Every day, there is more new information being added to the internet than I can possibly keep up with

(see here for the full list)

One of my StrengthsFinder strengths is "Learner", which means I am in my sweet spot when I'm accumulating new knowledge and putting it into practice.  I love to discover new things, learn more about what makes things work and grow in my understanding of how to make things better.  The challenge is that there is always so much to learn and I know that one of the things that affects my state of mind more than just about anything else is the frantic feeling of not staying up to date.

As I've noted previously and will no doubt reference again, so much of the feeling of busyness that we experience is linked to technology.  Sure, I have a lot to do in my work life and my to do list is often quite long (like right now!).  If I'm really honest though, the feeling of being behind and not on top of things is just as much related to having not read through my facebook feed, that I'm terrible at keeping up on Twitter, that I have well over 100 articles to read from email subscriptions, that I haven't read the updates on NBCs ProBasketball Talk app and that there are so many movies and series in my Netflix list that I could take a month off and still not get through them all.  And that's without even talking about blogs, podcasts, websites, ...

I want to get better at accepting that there is not going to be a day when I am fully caught up on all the information that is available to me.  It's simply not possible.

I also want to accept that if/when I try to focus on those things, it is inevitably at the expense of other things I could be doing - especially relational opportunities with family and friends, most of which would have a lot more positive long-term impact.

As I process that, my major takeaways are these:

1. Let go of the desperate need to keep up.  If I miss status updates on facebook, so be it.  If some important news breaks and I don't hear about it, I'm sure eventually someone will let me know.  And no, I haven't watched any episodes of Orange is the New Black, Breaking Bad or a bunch of other series on Netflix and I probably never will.  I'm no less significant or capable because of it.

2. Continue to focus on intentionality.  It's great to stay informed, but if that's at the expense of what's really important, it's actually a waste of time.

3. Get some better processes in place to be able to access information when I need to.  I know there are tools that help to sort Twitter feeds, that it's possible to hide people's feeds on facebook that I really don't have contact with any more and I love being able to listen to podcasts at double speed.  I just need to make sure I leverage those tools and others so that I can actually use technology for what it's supposed to be - a really helpful servant, rather than a crushing, impossible-to-please master.

Friday 40 for 40s - #3: The Weather

Item #9 that I'm learning to accept I can't change is:

The weather – it is what it is and complaining or begrudging it will not change it 

(See here for the full list)

We've lived in Canada for nearly 5 years now, after being born and raised in Australia.  One of the biggest changes moving here was to adjust to the weather (side note - I've often joked that Canada and Australia are basically the same... except for the accent and the weather.  Probably a post for another time).  It was amazing to arrive in the fall and see the colours of the leaves and crispness in the air, then transition into our first winter (snow!), experience our first spring as everything came alive, then understand why summer is such a big deal in the Northern Hemisphere.

This last winter was one of the worst ones in 20 years and I will admit that there were times when it got the best of me (I wasn't alone!)  This summer hasn't been great either - below seasonal and feeling more like fall at times.  Not exactly what a warm-blooded Aussie really needs!

We were told early on that the only way to really thrive throughout the winter was to embrace it rather than resent it and it's been absolutely true.  There have been (too) many times when I've spent so much time focusing on how the weather wasn't great that I've cocooned myself away and missed opportunities to get out and enjoy life - regardless of the weather.

While it's true that not focusing on the weather can be a challenge - especially because it seems to be the second topic of conversation after how busy we are - it mostly requires the same discipline of shutting off technology and being present that seem to make up most of the positive choices I want to make.  We have so much access to information on the weather now (24 hour weather channels, apps, websites...) that we can end up focusing more on what may or may not happen that we miss what's actually happening.  We can be so overwhelmed that it's going to be [pick the temperature/weather you don't like] for the next 5 days that we miss the sunny break, the cool breeze, the reality that it didn't rain constantly.

As I pass 40, I really want to get better at accepting the weather for what it is.  As I said in my original list, complaining or begrudging it hasn't changed the actual state of the weather so far in my experience and I doubt it's going to happen any time soon.  Sure, there are days when it'll be a downer that it's not perfect (whatever the definition of perfect weather is), but whatever it is can't be changed, so I might as well focus on the things that are really important and recognize how fortunate I am that most of the time, the weather doesn't stop life happening.  I know there are lots of people around the world for whom that's not a reality, which is yet another reason to be grateful.

Friday 40 for 40s - #2: 168 hours

Items #10 and #11 that I am learning to accept I can't change were: 

There are 168 hours each and every week – no-one else has any more (or less) time than I do.

I have full control over how I spend those 168 hours.

(See here for the full post).

It is remarkable to me that every person on earth has the same number of hours as I do.  All of us...  The people who've made the biggest difference in the world.  The people I respect the most.  The people who've impacted my life the greatest.  They have or had 168 hours each week.  And so do I.  

Think about that for a moment.  Ghandi: 168 hours.  Martin Luther King: 168 hours.  The people who've written books that have changed my thoughts: 168 hours.  People who've created amazing music: 168 hours.  My mentors: 168 hours.  

None of those people found the magical extra day that we'd all love to have, nor did they somehow manage to make time stand still or slow down.  They had the same time as you and I.  And yet they were able to create, impact, change.  With 168 hours.  

It is therefore not because I don't have enough time that I am not having the impact I'd like.  It's because of how I choose to use that time, hence the second item above.  It's all about what I choose to do with the 168 hours I've been given each week that makes all the difference.  

When I've shared this in different settings, I'll often break it down further to say that if we work a normal job (40 hours/week), sleep the amount that's currently recommended (8 hours/night), allow 30 minutes for each meal (probably overly generous) and 1 hour for personal items (looking after ourselves, grocery shopping, etc), that still leaves over 40 hours every week at our disposal and it's scary to realize most of us probably don't know where much of that time goes, nor have we made conscious choices about what we want to do with it.  

I continue to be challenged by the truth that I am able to choose how I spend my 168 hours.  I chose the career I have.  I accepted the job I'm in.  I choose when I sleep and wake.  I choose what to do with those other 40 hours.  I am constantly making choices... or at least I should be.  

As I move beyond 40, I'm excited about focusing more and more on how I use all of my time, to make the most of the hours that I'm given, to make my 168 hours count.

Friday 40 for 40s - #1: 40 things I can't change

This is the first of 40 posts that I'll be doing that come from my reflections on turning 40 (see this previous post for details).

One of the key things I wanted to do was to write down 40 things that I know I can't change but often forget I can't change.  My desire is to learn to accept these realities and learn from them - letting go of stressing about them, making changes to reflect them, changing priorities to recognize them.

Many of the other 40 for 40s will be expanded versions of these thoughts, but for now, here's the list... in no particular order.  Note that this is not meant to be an ultimate list, simply the list as it's come to mind.  I'm sure by the time I'm 50, there'll be a whole lot more I will have learned I can't change.

40 things I can’t change
1. Anything about my past – there is no point in having regrets
2. Natural talent will not take me any further than it has – only hard work and discipline will take me beyond the level I am today
3. I will never be younger than I am
4. Vacations are not real life – you always have to come to back to reality
5. I can’t get back $ that I’ve already spent
6. The grass is never greener on the other side
7. Our kids will never be this age and stage again
8. Gratitude is the only cure for consumerism
9. The weather – it is what it is and complaining or begrudging it will not change it
10. There are 168 hours each and every week – no-one else has any more (or less) time than I do
11. I have full control over how I spend those 168 hours
12. Exercise will never be something I jump out of bed wanting to do
13. God’s love for me, as shown in Jesus’ life, death and resurrection
14. There are more places in the world that I’d like to see than I will have resources and/or time to visit
15. Most memories only stay strong if they are accessed and reminisced regularly
16. If I don’t get something done, it’s because I made whatever else I did a higher priority
17. Integrity takes a long time to earn, but only seconds to lose
18. Every day, there is more new information being added to the internet than I can possibly keep up with
19. 20 seconds of courage is all it takes to overcome most obstacles
20. Any mistakes I’ve made – but I can learn from them
21. There will always be someone who is better at something than I am
22. I am not going to become a professional athlete
23. Being a great husband and father is as much about being fully present as it is about anything else
24. It is possible to find some good in every situation
25. I am not perfect and neither is anyone else I interact with
26. There will always be more books to read, movies to watch, sports to watch, TV shows to discover and music to listen to than I will have time for
27. I have been adopted into God’s family
28. Offering forgiveness is as important for me as it is for the other person
29. More money will not make me significantly happier
30. The moment I purchase new technology, it’s already been superceded
31. The time I go to bed has a direct correlation to how well I function the next day
32. I cannot guarantee the result of any sporting event I think about attending
33. I will never regret having spent more time with our kids, but I will regret having spent too much time doing anything else at the expense of spending time with them
34. Once you live anywhere for an extended period of time, it becomes normal and ceases to be exotic
35. Being a Pastor means accepting that there is never a moment when I can say “I have reached the finish line”
36. I am significantly sharper and more motivated when I work out at least 3 times per week
37. We live in an era of constant change
38. There is very rarely a “perfect” moment for anything
39. I will barely remember completing the level on any game I play 12 months from when it is completed
40. It’s better to focus on how much I don’t know, rather than how much I do

40 thoughts on turning 40

Today is my 40th birthday.

I said at the start of this year that I wasn’t scared about today coming – in fact, quite the opposite.  I’ve been looking forward to turning 40 because I know it’s a major milestone and I wanted to hit 40 being more focused and intentional and more fit than I’ve ever been before.  While I can't say with 100% certainty that it's true, I know I’m close – I’m more focused and intentional in lots of ways – I know more than ever what I want my life to be about and spend a good chunk of time focusing on that.  I also feel as fit or more than I ever have and my physical disciplines, especially working out in the mornings, are as good as they’ve ever been.  

I’ve used this marker as a time to do lots of reflection – What do I want my life to be about?  What do I want to do that I haven’t done before?  What are the things that bring me the most joy?  What are the things I focus on that I can’t actually change?  Where have I been impacted the most and by whom or what?

In the coming weeks and months, I'm going to share 40 of my reflections - a list of 40 things that I wanted to do as I turned 40 (thanks for the idea, Zulema!), 40 songs and books that have impacted me the most.  The majority of reflections will come from the list of 40 things I know I can't change and I'm looking forward to unpacking the implications of them.

My hope in sharing these thoughts is to gain greater clarity and insight into what I've been reflecting on, but also to inspire and challenge the people in my life who I know will read this.  I'm excited to share them with you and to start this new chapter in my life.  

Monday Musings - life in a day

Over the weekend, I watched "Life in a Day" - a movie where thousands of people captured life for them on July 24th, 2010 and uploaded their videos to YouTube where the director then cut and spliced the footage together into a 90 minute film that is pretty amazing (you can watch it on Netflix or here).

For me, there were two standout reflections - how much we miss each day and what it means to preserve our memories.

The detail on some of the videos that were uploaded is nothing short of stunning, capturing so clearly a moment, a thought, an emotion.  It is a beautiful thing for someone to be able to know the best way to compose a shot or even simply to have an awareness of what was happening around them so as to capture it adequately.  It was yet another reminder for me that I often walk around with my eyes pretty much closed - there's so much beauty, pain, joy, life and colour in each and every day and I miss a lot of it because I'm overly consumed with what I'm doing.  I love being woken up and challenged to see the world with fresh eyes - it is truly a glorious world we live in.

I was also challenged about how important it is to capture a moment in time for the future.  Our kids are 9 and 7 and I look at other kids in our community who are 2 and under and I know that Josh and Rachel were that age once, but in some ways it is hard to remember.  Part of me is jealous for the people who did capture a moment in time - especially with their kids - because that's something they'll always have to transport them back to those precious moments.

Since watching it, I have been tossing around the idea of what it would look like for us as a family to capture "Life in a Day" on a regular basis - maybe twice each year on the same date - and to have a record of what we were thinking, what was important to us, who we were spending time with, what we were afraid of, what our hopes and dreams were.  As well as the memories, I'm sure it would also give some pretty interesting perspectives on how at different times we under- or over-estimate the significance of what we're processing.  Good idea, we'll see if it happens...

How can I look at the world with a fresh set of eyes tomorrow?
What is happening in my life right now that is far more or less significant than I realize?
How am I capturing moments in time - both for preservation and for reflection and perspective?

Monday Musings - the cost of being present

I read this article during the week and was reminded again just how much technology has worked its way to subtly become a huge, invasive part our lives - it's almost embarrassing that we need to have an incentive to focus on being present with people...

The short version of the article is that a restaurant owner in LA is offering a 5% discount if customers will check their phones at the door.  The owner's rationale?

"It's about two people sitting together and just connecting, without the distraction of a phone, and we're trying to create an ambiance where you come in and really enjoy the experience and the food and the company"

Many people who know me well are aware that I'm a big advocate for this sort of thinking and I'm proud to say that our church did a series on this subject (Rage Against the Machine) back in June 2011.  There is so much research available that it's only a matter of time before we realize that so much of the reason we feel so "busy" and always switched on is directly related to these devices in our pockets (or even more accurately, on our tables...) that are causing psychological and physiological reactions for us.

I am trying to become more and more conscious to make sure that when I'm meeting up with someone or I'm in a group situation, I keep my phone in my pocket and out of sight, unless I need it for a specific purpose.  There's no question that when I can see it (even subconsciously), I am not 100% focused on the discussion going on and the people I'm with.  There are constant subtle messages telling me to check my email, look something up, think about other things.

I've also mentioned before that I'm also really disciplined about turning the email on my phone off on Thursday night and putting my phone on our hall table on my day off (Fridays), so that it's not anywhere near me, giving me those "look at me...!" feelings throughout the day.  I can't tell you how much difference it makes in my ability to relax and focus on the people I'm with.

As I read the article, I wondered about whether there are some creative ways for us to implement this kind of thinking in a church context.  Because our phones have become such multi-use tools, we have a lot of people that use them during the teaching in our Sunday services as their Bible or to access the teaching notes.  My original thought was to encourage a "check your phone at the door" policy in our home churches, but because people have taken notes during the service that will contribute to the conversations, that's not going to work.  Regardless, I think it's going to become more and more important for us to continue to explore the ways in which we are learning to be fully present when we're together in community - whether that's two people out for dinner or in a large group context.

Are there any times in the last week where I have been in the same space as someone else, but have not been fully present with them?
How often do I put my phone away so that it is truly out of sight and out of mind?
How can I encourage the people in my closest community to have a greater sense of being present with each other, particularly in terms of the distractions of technology?

Are you busy?

I've written before (including here and here) about busyness and how much it disturbs me that people use the word "busy" so often, often an excuse to get out of something they don't want to or because they want to fit in.

With that in mind, I was thrilled that someone came across this post and sent it to me because they knew I would love it (and I did...)

I agree with pretty much everything that the author writes in that article and would want to reinforce three things as important advice...

1. Don't wear busyness as a badge of honour.  If you're in a situation (work, friendship circle, church...) where you feel that you need to justify your busyness to fit in, I would suggest you either see it as an opportunity to show a new way of living that is much healthier (and, I would argue in line with God's values) or that you find a new situation.  Make the change before you wake up one day and realise you haven't had a chance to do most of what you really want to do because you were simply trying to please others.

2. Recognise that you make your own choices.  All of us have exactly the same amount of time each week and we all get to choose, in the main, how we spend that time (if you're in a job where you feel like you work too much, you can choose to find another job...)  If you're too "busy" to do the things you want to do, you need to be honest with yourself and your schedule, start saying no and cut back on the things you don't really want to do, to create time for the things you do.  I don't know of anyone who just sits around on their couch staring at the wall all day - again all of us feel busy, because we're occupying our time with something.  The question is whether you're happy with the priorities you are choosing and the way you're occupying your time...

3. Realise that much of the reason you feel busy is because of technology.  I'm convinced that more and more we feel like there's always something to do, because of 3 main areas that are all technologically related:

a) Email - most of us have these devices in our pockets that have red circles with numbers (or some variation) telling us how many people supposedly need our attention right now, some that even vibrate or make noises to get our attention.  However, once upon a time, back in the dark ages, people used to only reply to email when they were actually at work - I know - shocking, right?  Unless your job requires you to be on 24/7 (and I know there are some that do), you are allowed to turn your email off or even leave your phone in another room.  Try it sometime and see how many withdrawal symptoms you feel, fight through them and discover how much more free and relaxed you feel.  I turn the email off on my phone and computer on Thursday nights before my day off Friday and leave my phone on our hall table for most of Fridays.  It's incredibly liberating.

b)  Social Networking - be honest with yourself... how many times a day do you check facebook or twitter?  How many times do you have notifications popping up on your phone/computer that distract you from what you're supposed to be focusing on, therefore making you feel more busy?  It is ok to only check facebook, twitter, etc 1-2 times a day (at most...) - again, try it see if it makes you feel any different - there's definitely nothing urgent on there! 

c) TV - how many hours of TV have you watched this week?  And before you answer, I've heard lots of people say recently "I don't want TV any more" or "I don't even own a TV", yet they're incredibly up to date on what's happening on shows, sporting events, etc.  Please note... if you're watching TV on a computer, it's still watching TV...!  Even if you have a DVR so you can be more flexible, are you feeling pressure to watch shows so you can free up space on your hard drive, reinforcing the sense of busyness?    

Now don't get me wrong, there are times where my schedule is full and I love being productive (the reason my blog often doesn't get updated is because it's lower on my priority list than other things).  But for over 10 years now, I have not replied with "I'm busy" to anyone who asks how I'm doing or how my week has been.  I will say that I've had a full week or that there's lots happening in those seasons where there are a few more things clamouring for my attention, but even in those times I know I chose how to spend that week and normally there are at least 1 or 2 choices I could have made to free up time if I'd really wanted to.  I also have no trouble saying no to things, because I know where my priorities need to be and if something doesn't fit with those priorities, then I'm able to say "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to commit to that."

I'm growing more and more convinced that not only is it possible to get away from the scourge of busyness, but it's actually vital that we do for our own health and to show people that this is not the way we were designed to live and there is a better way.

How many times have I said "I'm busy" in the last week?  Why have I replied that way?
How happy am I with how I spend my time?  If I'm not, where can I make some different choices so I can do the things I want to do?
Are there ways in which technology is making me feel busier than I actually am?  If so, how can I change my use of it so that it's my servant, not my master?



PS If you want to chip in, we also have a conversation about this happening here on our Downtown facebook page