Friday 40 for 40s - #9: 20 seconds of courage

Item #19 that I'm learning I can't change is:

 20 seconds of courage is all it takes to overcome most obstacles

This learning was blatantly lifted from the movie We Bought A Zoo, a movie which was significantly more powerful than I had expected.  The main character in the movie (played by Matt Damon) drops the line "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it" and it is a mentality I have found incredibly useful.

I have lost count of the number of times that I have used this as a starting point over the past couple of years - less to achieve something great or profound and more to tackle things that I don't want to do.  It is surprising how many things I shy away from, how many hard conversations I don't have, how many things don't get completed, all because it's so hard to get started.  It's been incredibly useful to simply say "20 seconds..." and suddenly I'm on the way to getting something done.  It hasn't just helped me with big or significant things either - it has helped me to get annoying little tasks done, too (even getting out of bed in the morning!)

I will be upfront and say that in many ways my life is ridiculously easy and I have been very fortunate and privileged to have not had any serious major obstacles to overcome, for which I am very grateful.  I am therefore more than happy to be challenged and corrected about whether this mentality is useful if there is something really significant going on.  If it's too naive or simplistic for that, it was never my intention to belittle the struggles that I know many people have.

Having said that, I do believe that embracing the idea of "I'll just give this 20 seconds of courage" is going to be of some use in almost every situation - even if it's just to make a hard choice to start another day, to take on another round of treatment, to enter another counselling session or to persevere for a little bit longer.

For me, I want to keep putting it into practice because by this point in my life, I doubt I'm every just going to have the willpower or motivation to simply get some of these things done.  I know how important they are though, so I'll keep taking them on 20 seconds at a time.

Friday 40 for 40s - #8: Technology

Item #30 that I'm learning is:

The moment I purchase new technology, it’s already been superseded

It was interesting to watch the reaction to Apple's big media event yesterday.  Much of what I've read has had a sort of "meh" tone to it - some interesting upgrades, but nothing spectacular - especially when they tagged the event is "It's been way too long".  The implication was that something significant (Apple TV...?) was going to be introduced, but instead it really didn't seem like there was a lot of new innovation.

What I've found really fascinating is that lots of people have since asked "Why would I need to upgrade my iPad?" (the main focus of the event).  Normally with Apple products, even if people don't need to upgrade, you really want to (see iPhone, 6 as the most recent example).  The general consensus is that the existing products already do everything most people need them to, so why would they spend the money to upgrade?

At different times in my life, I've been drawn to the excitement of the latest and greatest, but I have a clear recollection of the time I first realized that the company whose product I was purchasing (a computer) was already probably at least 2 or 3 models ahead in development.  Sure enough, within 6 months my new purchase was at least superseded, if not obsolete.

I have since tried to be wiser about making decisions about purchasing new technology, asking the question "will this new purchase really give me the ability to do something significantly different to what I already have?"  A very current example is that we purchased a new laptop for home use when we first moved to Canada 5 years ago and there's a huge temptation to upgrade - partly because it can be pretty slow, partly because it's pretty heavy, partly because after 5 years, the trackpad and buttons are starting to show some wear and tear.  However, as Ali and I have discussed the idea of upgrading, the major question has been... do we really need to?  (Decision is still pending, by the way!)

I'm also more and more conscious (as I've written about previously and will be writing about again) that newer technology can be extremely detrimental to the priorities I want to set in my life.  Having something that makes it easier for me to access email/social media/the internet/apps mostly works against the disciplines I'm trying to work on.  I have to say that I'm not really at all convinced that I'm interested in having a watch that tells me when I've got a new email/message/notification - I find it hard enough to switch off as it is!

In the end, maybe this is all just part of turning 40 - I'm becoming one of those crotchety old men who says (insert old man voice here) "I don't know what you see in this new fangled technology.  When I was a boy..."  Either way, as technology accelerates at a faster and faster rate, I'm sure taking a step back before making purchases is going to become increasingly important.

Friday 40 for 40s - #7: Gratitude

Item #8 that I'm learning is:

Gratitude is the only cure for consumerism

(See here for the full list)

It seems appropriate heading into Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada to focus on gratitude... I know I have an incredible amount to be thankful for!  

That being said, I'm growing more and more convinced about the importance of gratitude during the rest of the year as well.  Taking time to pause and recognize that there is always something to be thankful for causes a major shift in perspective and attitude - it shifts the focus from what I don't have and what's not going well to understanding things are never as bad as they seem and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

In the midst of that, my 40 for 40 reflection was in reference to the draw of consumerism - something I'm sure I'm not even close to conscious of most of the time.  In our teaching at The Meeting House a few weeks ago, we talked about consumerism being the mindset of "give as little as you can to get as much as you can" and I think that's a great definition.  As someone who's always loved a bargain, that's totally true - I love to spend as little as possible to get something great.  I know that it goes beyond shopping though - it eats into my expectations of how much I have to do, how much I have to put in, even affecting my attitude in approaching community.  Whether it's not wanting to pay for TV (or pay as little as possible), how much work I have to do to maintain our house or whether I'm willing to put aside time to invest in relationships, all of it comes back to my consumerist default - put in as little as possible and hope for the greatest return.

What I realized when I put the list together is that the only thing that will help me overcome the double-punch of consumerism that is this mentality coupled with the desire to always want more is to focus on gratitude.  If I pause and recognize that I have so much to be thankful for, things change very quickly.  Whether it's acknowledging the little things (another day to live, a roof over my head, food to eat, clean water, a job, sunshine) or things that show how very privileged I am (a wonderful family, an amazing community, living in one of the best cities in the world, no fear of persecution, the ability to choose how I spend my time and money), taking a few minutes each day to allow that to sink in directly affects the rest of my mindset.  I realize how much I have and therefore I don't need anything else and realistically I hardly want anything else.  I realize how privileged I am and therefore am motivated to steward and invest that in the things I'm doing.  

Practicing gratitude helps me see the things that really matter and motivates me to not just give as little as I can to those areas, but to realign my time and resources so as much of it can be directed in those areas as possible.

Friday 40 for 40s - #6: money

Item #5 that I'm learning I can't change is:

I can’t get back $ that I’ve already spent

(see here for the full list)

One of the goals that I set as I turned 40 was to meet with our financial advisor to talk about the state of our finances, how we're doing with saving for retirement and what to do about life insurance.  I feel like we're in an ok place with these things, but I admit I have pretty limited knowledge, so an informed opinion was very welcome.

It was great to be able to look forward and do some planning, but I have to admit it's reminded me about some of the decisions that I made earlier on - especially in my 20s.  I have no idea why I bought so many cassingles (if you're under 30, I'm sure you have no idea what those are) and have a vivid memory of the one time I spent a hideous amount on some basketball shoes that never quite felt right.  If they'd been a pair of Jordans, I'm sure the regret would have been much lower...

I think back on some of those choices and would love to tell my 20-something self to put that money to better use - preferable somewhere that would have earned some interest and have me further ahead than where I am now.

However, as the purpose of the list states, I can't change those choices, but it is a huge motivator now to be more conscious of where I am spending money, recognizing that once it's spent, that's it and I can't get it back.  As I move forward, I want to make sure I'm continuing to use the money we've got in ways that are most effective and impacting for the short, medium and long term. 

Friday 40 for 40s - #5: The kids

Item #7 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Our kids will never be this age and stage again

(See here for the full list)

Josh and Rachel went back to school on Monday - Grade 6 and 4 this year...

As part of my reflections on turning 40, I wanted to think through what was most important about the next 10 years.  One of the most startling realizations was that 10 years from now, Josh will be 21 and Rachel will be 19.  Whoa.

That revelation was a huge motivator for me to make sure that I really made them a priority over the Summer.  I know that there are only a limited number of Summers left where we'll have their full attention and so I'm grateful that I made lots of good choices about giving them my full attention, creating memories and spending lots of time with them.

When we first had kids, we got the same advice from lots of parents - embrace every stage, because they grow up so quickly.  That advice was 100% correct and I know that looking back, there are already stages that I really miss or have almost completely lost memory of.  As I step into my 40s, my desire is to make sure we are embracing these next ages and stages (as much as I am terrified about having a sassy teenage daughter), recognizing that each stage will only happen once and then it's gone.

I have already learned that every stage has it's joys and challenges and one of my major goals is to not look back with regret about having missed the joys or the challenges, especially if I missed them because I was doing things that I realized later were not actually that important.

In the end, it's all part of the same theme I'm focusing on more and more... be present in the moment but make choices based on what's going to matter in the long-term.

Friday 40 for 40s - #4: so... much... information!!

Item #18 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Every day, there is more new information being added to the internet than I can possibly keep up with

(see here for the full list)

One of my StrengthsFinder strengths is "Learner", which means I am in my sweet spot when I'm accumulating new knowledge and putting it into practice.  I love to discover new things, learn more about what makes things work and grow in my understanding of how to make things better.  The challenge is that there is always so much to learn and I know that one of the things that affects my state of mind more than just about anything else is the frantic feeling of not staying up to date.

As I've noted previously and will no doubt reference again, so much of the feeling of busyness that we experience is linked to technology.  Sure, I have a lot to do in my work life and my to do list is often quite long (like right now!).  If I'm really honest though, the feeling of being behind and not on top of things is just as much related to having not read through my facebook feed, that I'm terrible at keeping up on Twitter, that I have well over 100 articles to read from email subscriptions, that I haven't read the updates on NBCs ProBasketball Talk app and that there are so many movies and series in my Netflix list that I could take a month off and still not get through them all.  And that's without even talking about blogs, podcasts, websites, ...

I want to get better at accepting that there is not going to be a day when I am fully caught up on all the information that is available to me.  It's simply not possible.

I also want to accept that if/when I try to focus on those things, it is inevitably at the expense of other things I could be doing - especially relational opportunities with family and friends, most of which would have a lot more positive long-term impact.

As I process that, my major takeaways are these:

1. Let go of the desperate need to keep up.  If I miss status updates on facebook, so be it.  If some important news breaks and I don't hear about it, I'm sure eventually someone will let me know.  And no, I haven't watched any episodes of Orange is the New Black, Breaking Bad or a bunch of other series on Netflix and I probably never will.  I'm no less significant or capable because of it.

2. Continue to focus on intentionality.  It's great to stay informed, but if that's at the expense of what's really important, it's actually a waste of time.

3. Get some better processes in place to be able to access information when I need to.  I know there are tools that help to sort Twitter feeds, that it's possible to hide people's feeds on facebook that I really don't have contact with any more and I love being able to listen to podcasts at double speed.  I just need to make sure I leverage those tools and others so that I can actually use technology for what it's supposed to be - a really helpful servant, rather than a crushing, impossible-to-please master.

Friday 40 for 40s - #3: The Weather

Item #9 that I'm learning to accept I can't change is:

The weather – it is what it is and complaining or begrudging it will not change it 

(See here for the full list)

We've lived in Canada for nearly 5 years now, after being born and raised in Australia.  One of the biggest changes moving here was to adjust to the weather (side note - I've often joked that Canada and Australia are basically the same... except for the accent and the weather.  Probably a post for another time).  It was amazing to arrive in the fall and see the colours of the leaves and crispness in the air, then transition into our first winter (snow!), experience our first spring as everything came alive, then understand why summer is such a big deal in the Northern Hemisphere.

This last winter was one of the worst ones in 20 years and I will admit that there were times when it got the best of me (I wasn't alone!)  This summer hasn't been great either - below seasonal and feeling more like fall at times.  Not exactly what a warm-blooded Aussie really needs!

We were told early on that the only way to really thrive throughout the winter was to embrace it rather than resent it and it's been absolutely true.  There have been (too) many times when I've spent so much time focusing on how the weather wasn't great that I've cocooned myself away and missed opportunities to get out and enjoy life - regardless of the weather.

While it's true that not focusing on the weather can be a challenge - especially because it seems to be the second topic of conversation after how busy we are - it mostly requires the same discipline of shutting off technology and being present that seem to make up most of the positive choices I want to make.  We have so much access to information on the weather now (24 hour weather channels, apps, websites...) that we can end up focusing more on what may or may not happen that we miss what's actually happening.  We can be so overwhelmed that it's going to be [pick the temperature/weather you don't like] for the next 5 days that we miss the sunny break, the cool breeze, the reality that it didn't rain constantly.

As I pass 40, I really want to get better at accepting the weather for what it is.  As I said in my original list, complaining or begrudging it hasn't changed the actual state of the weather so far in my experience and I doubt it's going to happen any time soon.  Sure, there are days when it'll be a downer that it's not perfect (whatever the definition of perfect weather is), but whatever it is can't be changed, so I might as well focus on the things that are really important and recognize how fortunate I am that most of the time, the weather doesn't stop life happening.  I know there are lots of people around the world for whom that's not a reality, which is yet another reason to be grateful.

Friday 40 for 40s - #2: 168 hours

Items #10 and #11 that I am learning to accept I can't change were: 

There are 168 hours each and every week – no-one else has any more (or less) time than I do.

I have full control over how I spend those 168 hours.

(See here for the full post).

It is remarkable to me that every person on earth has the same number of hours as I do.  All of us...  The people who've made the biggest difference in the world.  The people I respect the most.  The people who've impacted my life the greatest.  They have or had 168 hours each week.  And so do I.  

Think about that for a moment.  Ghandi: 168 hours.  Martin Luther King: 168 hours.  The people who've written books that have changed my thoughts: 168 hours.  People who've created amazing music: 168 hours.  My mentors: 168 hours.  

None of those people found the magical extra day that we'd all love to have, nor did they somehow manage to make time stand still or slow down.  They had the same time as you and I.  And yet they were able to create, impact, change.  With 168 hours.  

It is therefore not because I don't have enough time that I am not having the impact I'd like.  It's because of how I choose to use that time, hence the second item above.  It's all about what I choose to do with the 168 hours I've been given each week that makes all the difference.  

When I've shared this in different settings, I'll often break it down further to say that if we work a normal job (40 hours/week), sleep the amount that's currently recommended (8 hours/night), allow 30 minutes for each meal (probably overly generous) and 1 hour for personal items (looking after ourselves, grocery shopping, etc), that still leaves over 40 hours every week at our disposal and it's scary to realize most of us probably don't know where much of that time goes, nor have we made conscious choices about what we want to do with it.  

I continue to be challenged by the truth that I am able to choose how I spend my 168 hours.  I chose the career I have.  I accepted the job I'm in.  I choose when I sleep and wake.  I choose what to do with those other 40 hours.  I am constantly making choices... or at least I should be.  

As I move beyond 40, I'm excited about focusing more and more on how I use all of my time, to make the most of the hours that I'm given, to make my 168 hours count.

Friday 40 for 40s - #1: 40 things I can't change

This is the first of 40 posts that I'll be doing that come from my reflections on turning 40 (see this previous post for details).

One of the key things I wanted to do was to write down 40 things that I know I can't change but often forget I can't change.  My desire is to learn to accept these realities and learn from them - letting go of stressing about them, making changes to reflect them, changing priorities to recognize them.

Many of the other 40 for 40s will be expanded versions of these thoughts, but for now, here's the list... in no particular order.  Note that this is not meant to be an ultimate list, simply the list as it's come to mind.  I'm sure by the time I'm 50, there'll be a whole lot more I will have learned I can't change.

40 things I can’t change
1. Anything about my past – there is no point in having regrets
2. Natural talent will not take me any further than it has – only hard work and discipline will take me beyond the level I am today
3. I will never be younger than I am
4. Vacations are not real life – you always have to come to back to reality
5. I can’t get back $ that I’ve already spent
6. The grass is never greener on the other side
7. Our kids will never be this age and stage again
8. Gratitude is the only cure for consumerism
9. The weather – it is what it is and complaining or begrudging it will not change it
10. There are 168 hours each and every week – no-one else has any more (or less) time than I do
11. I have full control over how I spend those 168 hours
12. Exercise will never be something I jump out of bed wanting to do
13. God’s love for me, as shown in Jesus’ life, death and resurrection
14. There are more places in the world that I’d like to see than I will have resources and/or time to visit
15. Most memories only stay strong if they are accessed and reminisced regularly
16. If I don’t get something done, it’s because I made whatever else I did a higher priority
17. Integrity takes a long time to earn, but only seconds to lose
18. Every day, there is more new information being added to the internet than I can possibly keep up with
19. 20 seconds of courage is all it takes to overcome most obstacles
20. Any mistakes I’ve made – but I can learn from them
21. There will always be someone who is better at something than I am
22. I am not going to become a professional athlete
23. Being a great husband and father is as much about being fully present as it is about anything else
24. It is possible to find some good in every situation
25. I am not perfect and neither is anyone else I interact with
26. There will always be more books to read, movies to watch, sports to watch, TV shows to discover and music to listen to than I will have time for
27. I have been adopted into God’s family
28. Offering forgiveness is as important for me as it is for the other person
29. More money will not make me significantly happier
30. The moment I purchase new technology, it’s already been superceded
31. The time I go to bed has a direct correlation to how well I function the next day
32. I cannot guarantee the result of any sporting event I think about attending
33. I will never regret having spent more time with our kids, but I will regret having spent too much time doing anything else at the expense of spending time with them
34. Once you live anywhere for an extended period of time, it becomes normal and ceases to be exotic
35. Being a Pastor means accepting that there is never a moment when I can say “I have reached the finish line”
36. I am significantly sharper and more motivated when I work out at least 3 times per week
37. We live in an era of constant change
38. There is very rarely a “perfect” moment for anything
39. I will barely remember completing the level on any game I play 12 months from when it is completed
40. It’s better to focus on how much I don’t know, rather than how much I do

40 thoughts on turning 40

Today is my 40th birthday.

I said at the start of this year that I wasn’t scared about today coming – in fact, quite the opposite.  I’ve been looking forward to turning 40 because I know it’s a major milestone and I wanted to hit 40 being more focused and intentional and more fit than I’ve ever been before.  While I can't say with 100% certainty that it's true, I know I’m close – I’m more focused and intentional in lots of ways – I know more than ever what I want my life to be about and spend a good chunk of time focusing on that.  I also feel as fit or more than I ever have and my physical disciplines, especially working out in the mornings, are as good as they’ve ever been.  

I’ve used this marker as a time to do lots of reflection – What do I want my life to be about?  What do I want to do that I haven’t done before?  What are the things that bring me the most joy?  What are the things I focus on that I can’t actually change?  Where have I been impacted the most and by whom or what?

In the coming weeks and months, I'm going to share 40 of my reflections - a list of 40 things that I wanted to do as I turned 40 (thanks for the idea, Zulema!), 40 songs and books that have impacted me the most.  The majority of reflections will come from the list of 40 things I know I can't change and I'm looking forward to unpacking the implications of them.

My hope in sharing these thoughts is to gain greater clarity and insight into what I've been reflecting on, but also to inspire and challenge the people in my life who I know will read this.  I'm excited to share them with you and to start this new chapter in my life.