Friday 40 for 40s - #17: real life

Items #4 and #34 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Vacations are not real life.  You always have to come back to reality
and
Once you live anywhere for an extended period of time, it becomes normal and ceases to be exotic

I love a great vacation.  The best ones for me generally involve a beach or going somewhere iconic.  To my recollection, all the vacations we've taken have been amazing, and part of that is related to my attempts to make sure they are well planned out.  I always want to know that it's going to be a great place, great vibe, know where we're going and particularly if we're going somewhere with lots of amazing sights (New York, Chicago, etc), I want to make sure we get to the key places we want to see.

I know how important vacations are to my overall wellbeing, so I want to make the most of them, every time.  The challenge can be that in creating such a great experience and having such an amazing time, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking "why can't life be like this all the time?"

I have come to recognize and accept that vacations are not real life - in fact, if what I did on vacations were what real life was like all the time, then I'd stop appreciating them so much.  Instead, I've learned to appreciate vacations for what they are - a time of relaxing, doing things we love as a family, creating memories - and then taking the principles from those times (healthy rest, creating memories, having fun together) and infusing those into the flow of every day life.

While it's a lot harder to create those moments week by week, I recognize that there's always another vacation around the corner, so I don't need to put too much pressure on myself to try and emulate them in my every day life.

Along similar lines, I've realized I can be guilty of thinking "life would be better if we lived here" - especially when we've done trips to places like New York or stayed at a great beach house.  Moving to Toronto was an eye-opening experience with that mindset, though - we realized fairly quickly that once you live somewhere for a time, it ceases to become exotic and just becomes "home".  Real life.  That's not a bad thing at all, but it is another reminder to embrace where we are and recognize that if we were somewhere else, real life would follow us there, too, so how do we make the most of where we are, rather than wishing for something else.

Friday 40 for 40s - #16: TMI

Item #26 that I'm learning I can't change is:

There will always be more books to read, movies to watch, sports to watch, TV shows to discover and music to listen to than I will have time for

I love all of those things - reading a great book, being moved by a powerful movie, watching the Patriots, Raptors or Blue Jays play, enjoying a great TV drama, listening to incredible music.

With all of the options available to us now though, especially with streaming services like Netflix, I am learning to accept that I'm never going to watch, read or listen to it all.  My Netflix list is ridiculous - it has over 100 titles in it!  I'm never going to make the time to watch all those movies and certainly never be able to watch entire series of shows that I've never seen.

What's fascinating to me is that even though I know that's true, when I look at Netflix, generally the first thing I do is look at the New Arrivals - what else has been added to Netflix that I can watch?!  My list is already too long, but I keep searching for something even better - even though I can't remember half of what is in my list.

Even more scary (and embarrassing) is the recognition that there is a level of stress caused by all this - as someone who is a high achiever and likes checking things off a list, having a list that is never going to be complete can actually breed anxiety.  I know there's something unresolved, something I haven't finished, so it can cause me to feel like I have to make it a priority.

I have the same feeling in October each year - when baseball playoffs have begun, the NFL is kicking into full gear and the NBA starts up... there's so much to watch (and we don't even have cable!)  Trying to keep up with all those scores (and know enough of what's happening with the Leafs to participate in those important conversations...) can again be a source of stress.

Instead, I know I need to just accept that I will never be able to be on top of things - and that's ok.  I can enjoy the things I get to do, when I get to do them, rather than feeling like it's another "must do" that defeats the whole purpose of watching, reading or listening to it in the first place.

Friday 40 for 40s - #15: you can't change the past

Items #1 and #20 that I'm learning I can't change is:

Anything about my past
and
Any mistakes I've made - but I can learn from them

40 years worth of life includes a lot of actions, choices, decisions and opportunities that were taken and missed.  Obviously not all of those actions, choices, decisions or opportunities were the wisest or the ones that I would choose if I had my time over again and I've definitely made lots and lots of mistakes.  It's so easy to allow this to turn into regret - "I wish I had..." or "I wish I hadn't".

However, I've realized that there is no benefit in having these regrets, because I can't change any of it.  Can I learn from it and allow it to make me make wiser, more informed decisions?  Absolutely - if I choose to take the time to reflect back and glean what I can from those situations.  But regret?  It causes nothing but guilt, sadness, frustration, shame.

Taking the sting of regret out of the past also gives me more freedom in the present and future to make healthy decisions.  I don't need to be paralyzed with anxiety about what will happen if I make a wrong choice... fearful of the regrets that will kick in if I choose wrong.  Instead, I can make decisions based on the information in front of me (again, assuming that I take the time to reflect) and step with confidence into whatever the present and future holds.