trust issues

Trust is one of the the most interesting things to me. Trust is something that is very hard to define, and even harder to live out. It's passive, and yet active. It's stressful and yet gives peace. It's hidden and yet obvious.

I remember having the conversations we all do with my parents about trust - particularly about driving cars. "It's not you that we don't trust (to not have a crash late at night), it's other people". Did they fully trust me, then - to be alert enough to other people, to be cautious (not that I probably was)? Even if they fully did trust me (which I don't think they did deep down - I know they wanted to, though), I don't think they were able to trust my position in the whole situation. Thankfully, they still let me drive, and their trust grew.

I find trusting God hard on the same level. Do I trust God? I think so. I try to. I want to. But do I try to take control of situations? Yep. Do I try to move ahead of God's timing? Yep. Why? The only reason I can see is because I actually don't trust Him completely. That's where the passive/active side of it comes in - is trust sitting and waiting for God to reveal His plans, trusting God's position in the whole situation? Sometimes. Is trust me stepping out in faith first - being active in my trust, knowing that as I do, my trust will grow? Sometimes. That's where I think trust becomes what it really is - a daily discipline. Some days, my trust will mean I need to be patient (something I'm terribly good at...) and wait, and not try and control. Some days, my trust will mean I need to do something - take a step, take a risk, trusting God has led me to do so.

That stresses me out (a ridiculous amount at times) - letting go of control, waiting; or alternatively stepping out in faith, without a clear answer before me. Yet it brings peace, because I know it's up to God, not me; because deep down somewhere I know God will act in the situation, and it's all going to be OK.

But I'm not really even slightly qualified to speak on the subject, so I'll leave it to someone I think should be listened to a lot more than me - Brennan Manning. These words have been messing with me and challenging me for 6 months now:

"The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some pre-determined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signalled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise." - "Ruthless Trust" (p 12-13)

Wow.

listening

I keep being challenged about being a better listener. It's coming from everywhere, too - books, movies, although no-one's told me I'm a bad listener yet (maybe I'm not listening...) Even last night, I sat down to watch The Simpsons, and there's a repeat of episode 1305 "Jaws Wired Shut", where Homer has his jaw broken and can't talk, so he has to learn how to listen, and is amazed at the results. Sometimes I wonder if I should have my jaw wired shut so I can learn to listen to what others say, but that wouldn't help me listen to God better, I'm sure.

I think it's just like everything else in my crazy, Western, full-of-unimportance life - I'm in too much of a rush to listen properly. I can't sit and listen to someone take a long time to say what they need to say - I've got other things to do! My friend Michael Novelli posted a quote from Henri Nouwen about listening on his blog, and I love the part that says:

"Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond. Listening is paying full attention to others and welcoming them into our very beings."

That's really at the core of me being a bad listener - I think my listening is about working out what I need to say to the person, not about trying to welcome another in - or even more aiming to grow in my empathy, to not only hear what the person is saying, but trying to listen to what's inside them causing them to say it.

So hard...

what Josh is teaching me about God #3

Josh has started to, at random intervals, turn to Ali or I and say "I love you, Mum", or "I love you, Dad". It's very cute. Last night at dinner, out of nowhere, he started stroking Ali's arm, and said "I love you, Mummy". It almost doesn't matter what else he's been doing, it melts our hearts.

I don't say "I love you" often enough to God. I wouldn't use it as a way of getting out of trouble (as I think Josh does sometimes...), but need to remember how much it melts God's heart to hear me tell Him how I feel.

defrosting

I spent about 2 hours defrosting our freezer last night - what a job. It struck me, though, as I waited for all that ice to melt so that we could actually put things in the freezer, and open the drawers (yes, it was that bad in places) that if I hadn't been so lazy, and had done something about it a couple of months ago when I first noticed the ice buildup, it wouldn't have taken me so long.

Then I started thinking... How often do I let "ice" build up in the freezer that is my own life and heart, and then it takes a massive operation, with hours of defrosting to get things right. Sure, God will happily chip away for hours at the ice that stops me operating properly (and is making me more inefficient), but it would be a lot easier for him if I subjected myself to his defrosting more often. Those big emotional moments we have are often because the door won't close anymore, or because the drawers won't open, or because we know we should be able to fit more in, but because of the buildup of ice, we can't. Even more reason to daily allow God to search me, and clean me out.

Of course, maybe I could become frost-free, somehow...

understanding comics

I read a book called "Understanding Comics" by Scott McCloud. Fascinating book. If you hate reading, here's a book for you - it's all (and I mean all) in comic form! In it, McCloud takes us through the history and development of comics, how comics are put together, and why they have the potential to be so powerful.

Two things struck me, and both have to do with the way in which comics have the potential to powerfully shape us, because we fully enter into the stories and engage with them. The first reason for that is because (most) comics are simple drawings, and when we see a simple icon, we tend to see ourselves in it much easier than something that is photorealistic (if you don't believe me, read this book. If you can't be bothered finding the book, you'll just have to trust me). The second reason is because of the space between the panels, called the "gutter". In this blank space, we (the reader) must fill in the gaps between what happens in one panel and what we see in the next. Therefore, without even knowing it, our brains are entering into the story fully, because we have to. Out of this, what I interpret happens to move from panel to panel may be different to what you interpret might happen. (There are some lines about having your "mind in the gutter" here, but I'll leave them alone).

No wonder we all love comics so much - we engage with them almost more fully than any other source of media - books, tv, spoken word.

a comforting truth

We watched "An Inconvenient Truth" today. A very disturbing movie. How anyone can remain unmotivated about doing something about global warming after seeing that movie is beyond me. Go to the official website if you haven't heard about it. If you haven't seen it, you should.

One of the things that did stand out to me, though, was a continued reflection from this blog entry about Bobby. Coming away from that, I spent considerable time pondering what would have happened had Robert F. Kennedy not been assassinated and had become President. With Al Gore, it's a very different matter, because he didn't miss out on becoming President because he was killed (obviously), but rather defeated in somewhat controversial circumstances. I don't know the full history (I intend to look into it a bit further), but it looks as if Gore potentially should have become President of the United States in 2000. As I pondered with Kennedy, imagine if Gore had become President instead of Bush...

However (and this is where the title of the post comes from), I find 2 things comforting about that the fact it didn't happen. The first is that if Gore had become President, his fight to focus on global warming (which is decades old for him) would have no doubt been distracted. How could he have continued to focus on global warming while dealing with the 9/11 attacks, for example (regardless of how differently he would have surely handled the last 6 years since then...)

The second encouragement is that Gore didn't just give up, but instead has (possibly) become even more "powerful" in some ways because of the course he's taken. Maybe not from a military or economic (although possibly) point of view, but politically...? I also seem to recall Gore being the butt of a lot of jokes around 2000 about his personality, etc. Look at him now - Leonardo DiCaprio salutes him at the Oscars! There's a fantastic lesson in there about sticking to what it is you are made to do, and not being knocked off course if things don't seem to go right, but seeing the opportunities that are presented to you and taking them.

what josh is teaching me about God (#2)

Patience.

I probably don't need to add much to that, except that one of the things I'm learning is how patient I need to be with Josh - when I think he's got things sorted, all of a sudden, he'll lapse back into old behaviours, doing things we've talked about before.

In those moments, I hear the still, small voice inside gently remind me... "sometimes I have to be like that with you, you know..." I remember the number of times I lapse back into old behaviours, the number of times I do things God has talked to me about before, the number of times I lose focus and drift. Good thing He's a better Dad than I am...

expectations >> results

Last night we visited another church as part of my holidays. As I was on the way there, I realised that the expectations we have of "church" (whatever that looks like) will drastically impact on our critique of the service(s) we attend. If you believe that church should be a rock concert, and the music or the sound or the style of songs is below par, you'll be let down. If you believe that church should be a place where someone will preach an incredible message and give you a word from God, and that doesn't happen, you'll be let down. If you believe that church should be a place where you can meet with your family in Christ, belonging, caring and being cared for, and that doesn't happen, you'll be let down.

I'm having an extended conversations with my friends Simon and Luke about what church is, or what they think church should be, because I think we have a "default" belief of what church should be (based on our history, experiences (positive and negative), perpetuated myths, culture, etc) and this understanding is not always Bible-based, and not necessarily what we would believe if we spent some time really reflecting. I have no issue with people critiquing church, as long as they've really thought through what church should be, and are willing to be part of the solution to making church even more like it should.

bobby

Ali and I went to see the film "Bobby" yesterday. It's the story of Robert F. Kennedy's assassination, and the story of the lives of the other people who were shot that day. They did a great job of telling the stories of 22 people without making it confusing, and brought those characters together really well at the climax of the film. I personally found myself drawn to the characters played by Anthony Hopkins and Laurence Fishburne - both wise, sagely, reflective men.

Something that stood out to me was the power that words can have, and a musing on whether people are aware, in the moment, that the things they're saying will end up defining not only them, but their times. The Kennedy speech at the end of the film moved me to the core.

I was also struck by the reality that the issues Kennedy seemed to be fighting against seem to be the same issues we're still fighting today - wars where people are senselessly killed, questions over why those battles are even being fought, racism, bigotry, the need for unity, peace. Consider if these words (with a couple of obvious substitutions) are as valid now as they were nearly 40 years ago...

"I think we can end the divisions within the United States. What I think is quite clear is that we can work together in the last analysis. And that what has been going on with the United States over the period of that last three years, the divisions, the violence, the disenchantment with our society, the divisions - whether it's between blacks and whites, between the poor and the more affluent, or between age groups, or in the war in Vietnam - that we can work together. We are a great country, an unselfish country and a compassionate country. And I intend to make that my basis for running." Robert F. Kennedy, hours before his assassination.

a whole new mind

I just (finally) finished reading "A Whole New Mind", by Daniel Pink (Riverhead, 2005) which my good friend Chris gave me while I was in the US last year. It's a very insightful book, which talks about the need for us to develop "R-Directed Thinking ... [thinking] directed by right-brain attribute, toward right-brain results, focussing on developing six new "senses" - Design, Story, Symphony, Empathy, Play and Meaning.

I found it very helpful as someone who calls himself a "floater" - floating between what I would crudely (and probably terribly inaccurately) define as modern and post-modern thinking. I found myself realising that many of the frustrations I feel are because I want to function out of these senses, and yet know I need to spend time deliberately cultivating these senses, as they are not part of my "default" way of thinking. His "portfolios" at the end of each chapter, with practical ways to develop these abilities are a great way to explore which of these are natural and which need more work.

I highly recommend this book if you are spending time contemplating why you don't fit in with many of the structures and modes of thinking around you...

what josh is teaching me about God (#1)

I regularly am amazed at the things my son Josh teaches me about God. It shows me so clearly how God is our perfect Father, and I'm so not perfect... but in the midst of my inadequacy, I hear God whispering to me - "that's how I feel about you". This happens regularly enough that I thought I'd start a list. Here's the first.

What is quickly becoming one of my favourite parts of life is at the end of each day, when Josh goes to bed. Each night, he asks me to stay with him, after we've read stories, thanked God for the cool stuff that's happened during the day. Ali leaves, and it's just the two of us, lying on his bed. I really want this to become a time when he knows he can share anything with me - his fears, his worries, asking him what the best part of his day has been, using a contemplative practice I mentioned here... contemplative youth ministry). Josh is only 3, so most of that goes over his head, and he talks to me about Buzz's incredible jumping ability (he's right into "Toy Story 2" at the moment), or about who's got a store in "Cars". However, and this is the bit God is teaching me, what I value is the time when we just lie there, being together, and what I yearn for is to know what's going on in his mind and soul. I know that's what God wants from me, too, not my idle chatter about things that aren't important (although he tolerates that), but to really talk, and get to the heart of what I'm thinking, hoping, worrying, wishing for and about.